July 25, 1177
"Good book?"
If he was honest with himself, Searle just wanted to talk about Landus, but not at the risk of making his wife uncomfortable. She did know he had a son--and two daughters, one of which had been conceived even more scandalously than the boy--but he wondered at times if she wished she didn't. If he hadn't had any children at all, she might not have resigned herself to thinking that her own lack of them had to be a problem with her.
Poor darling. He didn't care whether or not she ever bore him a child but he couldn't tell her that because she'd take it to mean that he doubted she could. And yet, his silence was read as an expectation--or worse, some sort of endless patience that set a guilty storming brewing in her mind. Almost three years they'd been married and they hadn't discussed it at length, but there were certain problems that thrived despite lack of acknowledgment. Searle knew that all too well.
If he was honest with himself, Searle just wanted to talk about Landus, but not at the risk of making his wife uncomfortable. She did know he had a son--and two daughters, one of which had been conceived even more scandalously than the boy--but he wondered at times if she wished she didn't. If he hadn't had any children at all, she might not have resigned herself to thinking that her own lack of them had to be a problem with her.
Poor darling. He didn't care whether or not she ever bore him a child but he couldn't tell her that because she'd take it to mean that he doubted she could. And yet, his silence was read as an expectation--or worse, some sort of endless patience that set a guilty storming brewing in her mind. Almost three years they'd been married and they hadn't discussed it at length, but there were certain problems that thrived despite lack of acknowledgment. Searle knew that all too well.
"Mmm... it's all right." Viridis flipped the page and folded over the corner, then closed the book and let it drop to the floor. "Xeta's books are a little heavy for my taste."
Searle snorted. Viridis wasn't the only one who'd spent this trip at the mercy of Xeta's library. "Mine too. I wonder if she knows that people read for pleasure."
"In terms of 'pleasure' in this household, heavy philosophical drabble is second only to sex." She shifted uncomfortably as the last word dragged from her mouth. She still thought he didn't know about her latest miscarriage. If it helped at all, he would let her go on thinking that. "I spoke with your son at the banquet, you know. I know you said his mother is horrid, but he seems like a nice enough boy."
Searle sighed. She'd only brought it up because she'd sensed he'd wanted to, he was sure of it. What was less certain was how to proceed--if to proceed--now that she had. "His father is decent enough."
"You're his father."
"You know what I mean." It was the one way in which Searle envied Sir Kaldar; a pity for the poor fellow that Landus and Elarys were a package deal. "The man he thinks is his father." And he didn't know how Landus felt about that, but it was a bitter thought for him.
Viridis sighed. "You want to get to know him, don't you?"
Searle snorted. Viridis wasn't the only one who'd spent this trip at the mercy of Xeta's library. "Mine too. I wonder if she knows that people read for pleasure."
"In terms of 'pleasure' in this household, heavy philosophical drabble is second only to sex." She shifted uncomfortably as the last word dragged from her mouth. She still thought he didn't know about her latest miscarriage. If it helped at all, he would let her go on thinking that. "I spoke with your son at the banquet, you know. I know you said his mother is horrid, but he seems like a nice enough boy."
Searle sighed. She'd only brought it up because she'd sensed he'd wanted to, he was sure of it. What was less certain was how to proceed--if to proceed--now that she had. "His father is decent enough."
"You're his father."
"You know what I mean." It was the one way in which Searle envied Sir Kaldar; a pity for the poor fellow that Landus and Elarys were a package deal. "The man he thinks is his father." And he didn't know how Landus felt about that, but it was a bitter thought for him.
Viridis sighed. "You want to get to know him, don't you?"
Searle grimaced. He loved his wife more than anyone else alive--and over the past years he felt increasingly that he loved her more than anyone gone and buried--but when it came to his children, she turned every question into a trick. "Of course I do, but we both know that's not a possibility. It would be kinder to let him go on thinking that Kaldar is his father. Besides, he's staying here with his brother and we'll be heading back to Carvallon right after your birthday."
"Well, you could call on him while we're still here," Viridis muttered, picking at the lace of her nightgown. If she was trying to sound casual, it wasn't working. "I wouldn't mind, you know. Every man wants a son."
"Well, you could call on him while we're still here," Viridis muttered, picking at the lace of her nightgown. If she was trying to sound casual, it wasn't working. "I wouldn't mind, you know. Every man wants a son."
"And every man wants the best for said son." He had three known children and it had been years since he'd seen even the publicly-acknowledged one. Perhaps Elarys was not the most horrible parent a child could have after all. And perhaps Viridis didn't quite know what she was thinking, wanting a child with him. "My distance will give him that."
NEXT CHAPTER:
NEXT CHAPTER:
7 comments:
Sorry if this was a little hurried :S
The good part, though? Next post takes place in August. August. :D
How sad. Viridis is trying to seem unemotional and practical but the pain just leaks out. There doesn't appear to be much Searle can do except continue to be there and continue to reassure her. Maybe over time she will believe him.
I love the reading in bed pose.
I had to wait three hours to comment on this, as the internet continued to cut out everytime I tried.
Poor Viridis, has she spoken to anyone about getting some help?
There must be a way, maybe she needs to change her diet or something, maybe just being in Naroni will clear the air?
And it must be difficult having children you cannot really affectionately communicate with. Poor Searle :(
My birthday is in August :D
I'm surprised that Searle has feelings for a son that he doesn't know, fathered on a woman that he hates. I could definitely understand a strong curiosity about Landus but am surprised that there are actual feelings there. I am more surprised though that he is starting to think that he loves Viridis more than he did his sister (or their child). He was ready to jump out of a window over his sister. Searle is such a drama queen that I am starting to take everything he thinks he feels with a grain of salt.
Beth: At this point, yeah, there's not much Searle can do to cheer Viridis up. She's in a pretty dark place right now.
I like that pose too, although it would be nice if they could read under the covers. Or if the book was rightside-up :P
EkhoGirl: Yikes, sorry about your internet :S
I think Viridis has mainly kept it to herself so far, although if it's hurting her that much, she should probably think about asking around. Maybe it's one of those things that just hurts too much to talk about :S
As for Searle... yeah, even if he did sort of bring that upon himself :(
Yaaaaay birthday month :)
Pen: Searle does tend to overestimate his own feelings, for sure. There's something there--with Landus, and definitely with Viridis--but it's not quite what he thinks or says it is.
Funny that you mention his daughter with his sister. She still thinks he's just her uncle. He probably wants to keep things that way.
Cladelia (sp?) does NOT need to know the truth about her origins. That would only cause her pain, and at this point, I wonder if it even matters. Does her father -- you know, the man who raised her and loved her and tucked her into bed at night -- even know that he wasn't the donor of half of her genetic material?
So Viridis knows about all three of the kids -- well, of course she knows about Tivalia, but still. Poor thing. :( On the one hand, kudos to Searle for full disclosure (I hope it happened BEFORE they found out about fertility problems). On the other ... oh, poor Viridis. :( No wonder she thinks it's all on her.
(However, now that I think about it, since they are cousins ... maybe it's not a problem with Viridis or Searle, but a problem with both of them together? There could be something in the genes that is causing the miscarriages. Maybe it's just a question of playing genetic roulette until they get a viable fetus. And maybe Searle and Riona got "lucky" on the first try.)
Also ... am I the only one to maybe hold out some hope for maturity in Searle's part? Maybe that's why he feels he loves Viridis more -- he's been around the block a couple of times, he's had some (many) failed relationships ... hopefully he knows what love is now. And maybe that's why he feels like he loves Viridis more.
A girl can dream, can't she? ;)
For sure. Cladelia doesn't need to know that Uncle Searle is anything more than Uncle Searle. She's happy with her own father (who, for the record, still believes himself to be her father).
Interesting idea about them being too closely related. I'll have to look into that.
I don't think Searle's incapable of growing up at this point. He is getting better...
Post a Comment