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May 21, 1205
"I didn't know you knew Mistress Ildaras all that well."
"I didn't. Not really." Celina didn't care to lie to her brother, but if she admitted to more of a relationship, she'd spark Wolf's curiosity. Of course, her request was likely to spark it either way, but she'd established that he wouldn't learn more--not from her, anyway. "Aunt Leara held her in high regard. So did Mother."
"Then chances are that one of them has set up a trust for her son, if Camaline didn't beat them to it."
"You're welcome to confirm that before setting up this one, if you like."
"I will." Wolf sighed. The prospect of the audits and paperwork involved likely troubled him more than his sister's apparent random act of charity. While she didn't want to burden him, this was why Celina had opted to talk to him over her grandfather; her grandfather would suspect something. "How much were you thinking?"
"I don't know. Enough to make sure the family is comfortable, and to get the boy educated. If they already have enough, then a reasonable gift-sized stipend."
"Celina--"
"Wolf, I know that Father delegated each of us a portion of his monetary inheritance from Grandfather, and I know that Grandfather still plans on honoring that; just consider this an early withdrawal from my portion."
"That money is supposed to be a safety net for you."
Sweet of him to look out for her. In different circumstances, he would have understood her looking out for Farr. "I don't need a safety net. My husband is young and healthy--and even if he died today, our daughter and I would be left with sufficient means. Even if that wasn't the case, there's no safety net better than a relation to Grandfather."
"I suppose I can't argue with you there." Wolf indulged her with a defeated grimace, his eyes briefly to the ceiling with the slightest of a roll. "Fine--but you owe me for whatever time I spend on this."
NEXT CHAPTER:
May 21, 1205
It would have figured that the man Dani married would be one of Celina's cousins. Of course, Celina's cousins seemed to comprise about half the population--hell, Dani herself was a relation on her mother's side--but Severin was a first cousin. An honest to God, father's-brother's-son first cousin.
Enough of a cousin to merit a visit upon return from Dovia.
Why was she here, even? Dani had written promptly with the news of Aydelle's death, but judging by Celina's levity, she'd left Dovia before the letter had arrived--either that, or she was more callous than Dani had thought.
No. Celina was a lot of things, but if she were entirely heartless, she'd never have asked Dani to keep an eye on the kids. She'd left Dovia before the letter had arrived. She was probably in Naroni for yet another of her family's baby booms; CeeCee had just birthed twins, and Severin's stepmother was due any day now (and given the size of her, Dani suspected yet another set of twins). The timing was also such that Celina and Marsden could meet the Dovian delegation to the Princess Viridis's wedding as they returned from Carvallon, then accompany them back.
Val happened to turn her little head just enough to catch sight of her lingering by the doorway. "Mama!"
Dani tried to smile as her daughter beamed and her husband got to up to greet her. "Hello, sweetheart. Severin. Celina."
"Ah yes, my cousin here is trying to make as many visits as she can while she and Marsden are here." Severin kissed Dani on the cheek, lucky enough to not even suspect that his cousin may have had an ulterior motive. If Celina made a point to call on pretty much everyone she knew, then none would think it particularly odd if, say, Nearina and her children were included in that lineup--or, as Celina probably intended, Aydelle. "How was your day?"
"Oh, well enough, I suppose. I'll fill you in on the details over supper." In truth, the events of her day had quite slipped her mind at the sight of her old acquaintance. How lovely it would have been to have lacked the curiosity to get involved in the first place! "Would you mind running down to the kitchen for some biscuits? Since Celina's here, I might as well get her opinion on something--a woman's opinion."
Her husband smirked. Severin was clever enough, but possibly due to the melodrama of his parents' relationship as he was growing up, he had that exact lack of interest that would have spared Dani from her unfortunate role in Celina's mess of a life. "I'll make a point to dawdle, then."
The acoustics of the house were such that footsteps were prominent; Dani waited until Severin's left the stairs and fell to the floor before she herself approached Celina. "Here for the births, I take it?"
"Yes, although only because the timing was fortunate; I know I won't be able to make every family event, but the timing worked well in this case." Celina's eyes flicked to where Severin had sat before. "Are you going to sit down, or...?"
"No. I have a few things to do. You can resume visiting with Severin when he returns." Dani bit her lip. Who knew if anyone would tell if she didn't, and her distaste for her husband's cousin was not so strong that she would risk Celina showing up at Aydelle's old house only to make things awkward for her son and daughter-in-law. She also had no reason to force Cenric or Leonora into telling it yet again. "I take it you didn't get my letter."
NEXT CHAPTER:
March 16, 1205
Was Celina a horrible mother if she wished her three-day-old baby... did more? Was a little more interesting? Surely it wasn't fair to expect much of a tiny little creature who likely still hadn't figured out just why all these shapes and colors had suddenly sprung into existence, why all these strange beings kept picking her up and speaking to her in sing-song tones, in random patterns of sounds that made no sense.
And surely it wasn't fair to Danthia based on Celina's reaction to her other children! She'd been in awe of Farr for every brief minute she'd seen him. She'd refrained from meeting Nanalie, but the very thought of her was the same. Indeed, she'd been smitten with Danthia too... but, she lived with Danthia. She'd carried Danthia. She would, Lord willing, see Danthia more days than not for at least the next couple decades. Perhaps Dani del Marinos had been right about her. Perhaps she was fickle, fleeting, easily bored.
Her love life had certainly come to prove that. Marsden was a fine lover--the best Celina had had, at least of the men she'd had as a woman, and she doubted she'd have gone through with the marriage if that hadn't been the case. But with each day and night of matrimony, it grew increasingly clear to her that no one person would ever satisfy her. She'd so far kept to her resolve of him being her only heterosexual partner, but she'd indulged in the occasional comfort of a willing housemaid, or followed up on the occasional rumor of a man who might have found her male form pleasing. Who'd known when she'd arrived in Dovia that she'd find one such man in the crown prince, of all people?
Pregnancy, alas, had kept her to one side of her sliding scale of anatomy; she may have been fickle and fleeting and easily bored, but she apparently wasn't so selfish as to risk harming the baby that way. Poor Prince Farilon was probably anxious about why Queen Medea's court hadn't sent any recent news with his favorite 'Naronian Royal Courier'. Worse yet, Celina herself... well, she did like being a woman, most of the time. But she had the rare gift of being able to switch things about! It was such a waste, not taking full advantage of every possibility!
"Ah, Danthia. There are so many things I'm not going to tell you, but let it never be said I didn't warn you that one shouldn't let one's talents lie unused."
The baby replied with a blink of disinterest as she settled into her arms. No surprise. Words, words, words. Babies didn't care about words or what they meant. No doubt Danthia didn't care so much about Celina's mouth as she did about her nipples. What an odd, likely stifling existence--not knowing much of anything, not even knowing enough to care much about not knowing, or to care much about anything at all beyond one's immediate comfort. Where did the will to live come from, when there was so relatively little to live for? Was there some innate promise of greater things to come, whispered in the womb in non-words the unborn understood?
"Well, I suppose I can at least find you baffling, and perhaps that's close enough to fascinating for now." She raised her daughter to a shoulder and rubbed her little back--and in turn, got a yawn for her troubles. "When you're old enough to find things interesting, I hope you find that interest lasts a little longer for you than it ever does for me."
NEXT CHAPTER:
March 27, 1203
"I take it this isn't a social call."
Dani did, in fact, take it right. A mere four days before graduation and Celina ought to have been packing her things, having a few last drinks with her remaining friends and housemates, calling on relations she was unlikely to see again before she left for Dovia on the first of April. True, Dani's husband was Celina's first cousin, but he lived on campus as a faculty member and he taught in her field of study and she therefore saw him often enough--and she knew for a fact that he would be holed up in the philosophy department's office all day, finishing up all the freshman through junior grades he'd put aside to focus on the more urgent work of near-graduates.
Dani, however, had time off at present--which meant that Celina could safely seek her out without Severin ever having to know she'd been there.
"You know that I'm leaving after graduation, right?"
"With your betrothed in Dovia? I'd figured as much."
"Right." Celina sighed. In the interests of brevity, she'd take Dani's lack of need for explanation as a blessing. "I want you to keep an eye on Farr for me. And... Nanalie."
Dani sniffed. "This after you insisted that Nanalie was Oswald's."
"Legally, she is. And for Nearina's sake, it's easier if it's left at that. Besides, she could really be Oswald's, for all we know." And yet... well, even if Nanalie was Oswald's--and she did hope she was!--Celina did owe Nearina some consideration. Even if Nearina didn't know it. "I think I'd just sleep easier if I had some reassurance that she was all right. With Farr, at least Aydelle can write to me too, but you're the only one who knows about Nanalie."
"And it's better for everyone involved if it stays that way."
"Exactly."
"Hmm. I don't dislike Nearina, but we're not friends. It would be odd if I started calling on her all of a sudden. But, I'll see what I can do." In Dani's mind, Celina guessed that the connecting social lines were drawing themselves already. Dani was married to Severin, Severin's brother was Arkon, Arkon was married to Honora, Honora was Nearina's sister. That, and there were parties. Many, many parties. A throwaway conversation could lead to something more. "But if you make any more messes up in Dovia, you do realize I can't help you out there--nor would I care to if I could."
"I know. And I've... changed things." Any further children Celina had, she'd sworn when she'd processed Nearina's pregnancy, would be Marsden's. She couldn't limit herself to him entirely--it would have been a waste of her gift--but he'd be her only heterosexual relationship. She'd keep to women as a woman, and to men as a man. No more accidents. No more mistakes.
"Good." Dani slid the nail of her thumb across her index finger. An impatient tick of hers. This conversation had no further purpose to serve. "Congratulations on graduating, and on your impending nuptials. Best of luck in Dovia."
"Thank you." And Celina did mean it. She was grateful.
But the graduation and the nuptials were the least of it.
NEXT CHAPTER:
July 31, 1202
"You don't think--!"
Did it matter what Dani thought? Celina, at least, got that it was a possibility.
As for what Dani thought... well, exactly that. A possibility. "Calm down. I'm just alerting you to the situation. The baby could just as easily be Oswald's. Everyone knows that those two could never keep their hands off each other, so who's to say they didn't conceive the night before his death?"
"Nearina, maybe?"
"Given the timing, I doubt it." Good God. How did the idea that a woman could somehow know or control everything about any child she carried still exist? Whenever Celina had last switched the rest of her body back to female, she must have forgotten about her mind. "Besides, I'm sure she'll be telling herself it's Oswald's no matter what. This would be his last child, after all, and you know better than anyone how much she loved him."
"Don't remind me. But I hope you're right." Celina sighed. She, of course, wouldn't be convinced of that unless the baby was the unmistakable spawn of Oswald. That wasn't Dani's problem. She'd passed along the warning, lest Celina reveal herself in a moment of panic if she heard from anyone else--because if Nearina didn't know what had happened that night, then she was better off not finding out. She'd done the bare minimum required of a decent person, which was all she ever made a point to do. She just wasn't the sort to go the extra mile.
"You ought to add to that the hope that it is, indeed, Oswald's."
"Well, yes. Obviously. Er, for Nearina." But for herself too. Dani wasn't the only one for whom altruism was a struggle. "What if it looks like me, though?"
Dani shrugged. "She probably took you for a Kemorin anyway--some bastard of your father's, or some descendant from your grandfather's bachelor days. You and Oswald were... second cousins, once removed, I believe? His mother was first cousin to your grandfather. It wouldn't be the strangest thing in the world if Oswald fathered a child who looked like you, or any of your siblings or cousins."
"And if it looks like Nearina?"
"Then that would surprise nobody, seeing as the one thing we can all agree on is that it's hers. Nearina will tell herself it's Oswald's, it'll be in all official records as Oswald's, and no one will ever be any the wiser unless your secret becomes not only common knowledge, but actually believable common knowledge."
"You didn't have any trouble believing it."
"Only because I happened to see it. Nearina hasn't--and for the sake of both of your best interests, I hope you keep it that way."
"Do you really think I won't? I've barely worked up the nerve to go and see her again as a friend--and yes, I remember what you said about her needing a friend." She ought to have. It had only come up in every conversation they'd had since. "I'll go see her some time in the next few days. Just to see how she's coping."
NEXT CHAPTER:
May 20, 1202
"So, um..." Celina swallowed. Only a matter of hours ago, it had been impossible to conceive that she would have trudged straight up to Dani's room upon her return to Scorpio House, banking on insomnia once again striking her nemesis--and banking on Dani's willingness to be her usual dagger-tongued, sanctimonious self. But, within her stirred a toxic mix of guilt and emptiness where she'd thought she'd find ecstasy. Talking about it wouldn't fix anything, but it could bring clarity.
Clarity, and a scolding--which, frankly, Celina deserved. "...you might have been right."
Any other night, Dani's lack of surprise would have been insulting. "You went to see Nearina, didn't you?"
She nodded. If she'd already admitted to Dani being right, then there wasn't much she couldn't own up to. "Yes."
"Did you sleep with her?"
Perhaps, however, there were things she couldn't admit verbally--so she took to staring at the floor and curling her toes within her boots.
"Dear Lord. Look, don't tell me how you got a grieving widow into the mood, because I don't want to know--and it doesn't matter. Didn't it occur to you how grossly manipulative that would be?"
"Er... not until after, no." Or possibly during. Levels of enthusiasm among her past partners had varied, but they'd all been engaged enough to lead her to believe they liked it. Nearina's one request as she'd let her dress fall to the study floor had been to feel something, but the stony breath in which she'd said it ought to have betrayed the impossibility. She hadn't gasped, moaned, called Oswald's name. Nor had she cringed or struggled or begged for it to stop. She'd just lain there, staring up with a corpse's eyes, mind and heart both miles away from her body. It had been for sheer will that Celina even came, and Nearina certainly hadn't climaxed--not that she'd seemed to care.
"At least promise me you didn't--ah, never mind. We both know she didn't want it, not really."
"She initiated, though?" That implied wanting. Didn't it?
"Then she wanted to want it, maybe. She wanted to feel something." Make me feel something. Uncanny. "I suppose we can only hope you didn't just hurt her more. You should see her tomorrow--as yourself, as your friend, not whatever creep had his way with her the night prior. She'll still be grieving, but just make sure that she isn't... traumatized."
Traumatized. Dani's choice of word didn't need the hesitation. God, Nearina didn't deserve any trauma on top of her mourning. Could anyone be so vile as to deserve trauma? Had Celina traumatized anyone else?
"Do you think I should tell her?"
"Absolutely not. If she's not feeling violated already, then she'd bound to be when she learns that her alleged friend fabricated a new identity just to fuck her. She needs friends right now--real friends. If you care at all about her, you'll be that real friend."
Not that Celina had ever been anyone's 'real friend', if that was what it meant. "Am I bad person?"
Dani sighed. "You're a complex person. Complex people are capable of doing good, and bad--and yes, that was bad. Possibly worse than either of us realize, but for Nearina's sake, I hope that's not the case."
That was that, then. From now on, with the exception of Aydelle, it would be preferers of relative anonymity. And no bedding anyone as a man who knew her as a woman. That would be a start, at least.
But too late a start, maybe too little of one. "...I might need your help with a few things."
NEXT CHAPTER:
May 19, 1202
Ten days.
Ten days now, Oswald had been dead. The funeral had come and gone. Nearina had stashed her loathsome black gown back into its place of shame at the back of her wardrobe in obvious favor of her usual green, as if the emerald could bring her husband back by sheer virtue of vibrancy. It couldn't. She was a widow, at twenty-one, not even married a year, left to raise her baby daughter alone.
And her love was dead.
She didn't need any reminders of that fact, but everything was, from his scent on the sheets to the absence of his fingers drumming on tables. It would have been unbearable enough had she not insisted--apparently out of pure emotional masochism--on taking care of the loose ends Oswald had left behind herself. Tenants, hirings, firings, maintenance, working out with her father-in-law what would become of Oswald's castle. It would be part of Holladrin's dowry if she married a man who wasn't heir to his own family's property, but they'd have to revisit the issue if that wasn't the case and Nearina hadn't found other lodging. It wouldn't be much of a negotiation, if it came to that. If her daughter had no future use for the castle, then Nearina would leave, and Octavius or Prior or whoever was baron then could gift the place to someone else. The only reason she didn't leave now was that someone had to keep it running on her baby's behalf.
"My lady?"
Not that she was doing a great job of it, in her current gloom. She hadn't even noticed the guard in front of her. When she pried her head from the surface of the desk, she found she didn't even recognized him--and she ought to have, if she'd seen him before. He was almost certainly some Kemorin bastard. "My apologies. What did you need?"
"Today's my last day. I just wanted to thank you for the job."
Nearina raised an eyebrow. Had this man resigned? Had she processed his resignation? "Uh..."
"Oh, sorry--um, I gave two weeks' notice. Sir Oswald handled all of the arrangements. I just thought it wouldn't be right not to bid you farewell, and to express once again my sympathies. Sir Oswald was a great man."
Not quite. 'Great' implied some sort of renown. Oswald hadn't lived long enough to gain that. But Nearina wouldn't argue. "Thank you."
"I lost someone too, quite recently. My betrothed. That's why I'm resigning; she had a daughter from her first marriage, and I have to take the little girl to Dovia to live with her aunt. I'll be staying there, so I can keep an eye on her too."
"Oh." Given the age of him, his betrothed probably hadn't been any older than Oswald. Her daughter, certainly, would have been far too young to be without a mother. "I'm sorry for your loss as well."
The guard nodded, a hint of a tear caught behind a blink of his thick--Kemorin, no doubt--lashes. "Thank you. It's comforting, being around someone who understands."
It was. Not that she didn't have people in her life that hadn't known the same pain, but it wasn't so fresh for them. She wasn't quite ready for the perspective of someone who'd put this misery behind them, not when it felt so permanent in front of her. "Would you... maybe like to stay and talk, for a while?"
The man swallowed back a breath of air and bowed his head. "I would, my lady."
NEXT CHAPTER:
May 9, 1202
Celina gritted her teeth as she sat up, only bothering to rise because the conversation at hand would be counter-productive to relaxation. For the present term, the only students at Scorpio House with no classes scheduled for Thursday afternoons were herself and Dani. On most Thursday afternoons, they had little reason to talk to each other and more or less made a mutual point to avoid doing so.
Most Thursday afternoons didn't follow an ill-timed meeting of Dani's insomnia and Celina's slip-ups on Wednesday night.
"Look, there's no use in trying to blackmail me, if that's what you're thinking. No one in their right mind would believe you."
The other woman sniffed. Not for the first time, Celina fought off the bewilderment that two reasonably attractive people such as Sir Neilor and Lady Tivie had produced a pug-faced perma-scowler like Dani. Her cousin Severin had either terrible eyesight or a gross misconception of Dani's personality, if not both. The room was a less comfortable place for her mere presence in it, even if she'd been minding her own business and Celina hadn't seen her enter. "I have no interest in blackmail. I doubt you have anything I want, and I couldn't care less about whatever the hell it is you do to yourself anyway."
Whatever the hell it is you do to yourself. A phrasing both shockingly apathetic and insultingly unimpressed. What Dani had stumbled across the night before was bound to be the most remarkable thing she'd ever see in her life, and yet here she was, rolling her eyes as if forced to tell yet another distant relation how her studies were going. "Then why bother with this conversation, exactly?"
"Because." With an uncharacteristic swiftness, Dani strode toward her and set herself on the other bench like a judge commencing court. "While I don't fault you your curiosity, I'm compelled to point out the element of non-disclosure in your liaisons."
"Pardon?" There had to have been a plainer way of saying it. Dani must have figured that roundabout language demonstrated her moral high ground. Bitch. "First of all, you don't even know that I'm having liaisons."
"Actually, I do. One of the guards here on campus also works for my father, and I know for a fact that he's a man of... certain tastes, shall we say? He and I are on friendly enough terms, so I happened to mention a classmate of your description who might have been interested--but, as it turns out, you already were interested."
"What of it? He wasn't any less interested than I was."
"Yes, but that might have been different had he known that you only came to him as a man because he wouldn't have had you as a woman, or that you're only after whatever fun you can have while technically telling the truth when your betrothed takes your maidenhead. Same with some of the other men you might have bedded--and the women, if your obvious drooling over Nearina is anything to go by. Yes, they might enjoy it, but it's occurring under false pretenses."
"It's not--look, do you really think most of them would want to know the truth? Or that I shouldn't make good use of a gift that for all I know is unique to me?"
"It's not as if there aren't people who aren't particular about sex, you know--yourself obviously being one of them. I won't indulge you by pretending to care about how many people you sleep with, but I hope you know you're walking a fine line. Willingness can have its terms, and ceases to be willingness if those terms are disregarded. A violation may as well be--"
A writhing discomfort in Celina's gut guessed at what terrible word Dani had been about to say, but it was left to speculation by a man's knock. Celina bit her lip. She almost wished they hadn't been interrupted, so Dani might have said something less accusatory, or so she could have defended herself had she not. But she wouldn't pretend she'd be sorry to have a less repugnant face to look at. "Come in."
"Celina," her cousin greeted her as he did as she said, fist clenched at his side and his mouth drawn in a wary frown. Celina squinted. Even if Rio--who had already graduated from the university, whose lady love did indeed live at Scorpio House but wasn't there presently--made a habit of calling on her, he wouldn't have done so with such a grim countenance. "Dani."
"Rio." Celina's toes curled inward as he approached. It had to have been bad news, but of what? Of who? She couldn't think of any relatives in particularly poor health. "What's wrong?"
"It's your friend. Nearina."
Her blood froze in her veins and left her flesh for a minute both heavy and numb.
But how smugly self-righteous Dani would have been had she known just how short-lived that feeling wound up being.
"Her husband is dead."
NEXT CHAPTER:
March 30, 1202
"You know, I've got to wonder what they think about at this age--if they can think, that is. But surely they must? I mean... do you ever have a minute when you're not thinking? But then again, babies don't have a concept of thinking. Hell, they don't have a concept of anything, I suppose. So, then how do they think? And if they can't think, then how do they learn? When does the thinking start?"
Not having spent much time with babies--before Farr was born, at least, and there was no way Nearina knew about that--Celina couldn't admit to having wondered such a thing. But, it was an interesting thought.
Interesting enough, at least, to distract from that fact that even having given birth mere days ago and the fatigue of new motherhood still wasn't enough to make the happily married Nearina any less attractive.
God. She had to get over it. Nearina was her friend--and Celina would be joining Marsden in Dovia once she graduated anyway. That wasn't as far off as she would have preferred, it had occurred to her recently, but it would hopefully be enough time to get most of her pent-up energy out of her system.
Meanwhile, cooing over Nearina's baby could help spur on what Celina hoped would be the next set of urges in her life. The next baby she had, of course, would have her as the birthing parent, and the primarily nurturing parent.
Probably, anyway.
"Whatever she's thinking, it only contributes to her cuteness, I'm sure."
"She does have a lot of that, thanks to her father." Nearina tapped her daughter on the nose--which did, at this stage, resemble Oswald's somewhat.
But, Celina shrugged that off. "Oh, I don't think that was his single-handed effort."
"Ha! You and your flattery." Flattery? Lord, was that why Nearina's sister was always giving her the side-eye? At least Nearina herself hadn't picked up on it. Or had she?
No--of course she hadn't. Nearina and Oswald had been joined at the hip since they'd been old enough to realize the practical perks of possessing genitalia. If it even occurred to Nearina that anyone else could be interested, she was well past caring at this point.
"Care to hold her? She's probably wondering how arms that aren't drenched in sweat feel."
"I doubt you're half as sweaty as you think you are." At the very least, the presence of the baby had Celina's own sweatiness at bay. "But I'd happy to hold her if you'd like a break."
NEXT CHAPTER:
