July 22, 1177
Convenient as it might have been to find Sparron already up and about, there was something reassuring about catching him asleep. For once he wasn't troubled and withdrawn, nor was he defensive and agitated; he just was, like a lazy breeze or the waters of a still lake. When Searle had arrived, Holladrin had offered to wake Sparron herself, but he had declined the offer on the basis of her pregnancy--at least, so he'd told her. In truth, it had just been far too long since he'd had Sparron to himself and he wasn't sure he could bear a few extra minutes' wait, even if it couldn't be as it had before. Looking at him now, such impatience was a hard thing to regret.
Searle shut the door and sat down on the bed, grabbing hold of the unused pillow and glancing down at Sparron's sleeping form. How long had it been now since he'd seen Sparron sleeping? It must have been when Lettie had gone to help deliver CeeCee, forever and an age ago now.
And yet--probably due to Searle's own supposed absence, though he hated to admit it--Sparron had never looked so calm and restful. Even in his slumber he'd found time to fret about someone walking in or word getting back to his father, but that didn't seem to be the case now. He was no longer Searle's neurotic, paranoid secret lover. He was just a man enjoying the last minutes of a good night's sleep.
His tranquility was such that Searle was reluctant to wake him, which was just as well now that he thought about it. How did friends go about waking each other? Back in the day he would've stroked Sparron's side or nipped at his ear--not that Sparron had ever reacted well to such carefree displays of affection. Maybe a nudge, or perhaps a loud noise...
Ah, to hell with it. He took the pillow by the corners and flung it across Sparron's face. "Wakey wakey, eggs and bakey!"
Grunting, Sparron rolled over. "Go away."
"No." Unsure how Sparron would react if he touched him, Searle tugged at the blanket. "You're not spending your birthday in bed."
And yet--probably due to Searle's own supposed absence, though he hated to admit it--Sparron had never looked so calm and restful. Even in his slumber he'd found time to fret about someone walking in or word getting back to his father, but that didn't seem to be the case now. He was no longer Searle's neurotic, paranoid secret lover. He was just a man enjoying the last minutes of a good night's sleep.
His tranquility was such that Searle was reluctant to wake him, which was just as well now that he thought about it. How did friends go about waking each other? Back in the day he would've stroked Sparron's side or nipped at his ear--not that Sparron had ever reacted well to such carefree displays of affection. Maybe a nudge, or perhaps a loud noise...
Ah, to hell with it. He took the pillow by the corners and flung it across Sparron's face. "Wakey wakey, eggs and bakey!"
Grunting, Sparron rolled over. "Go away."
"No." Unsure how Sparron would react if he touched him, Searle tugged at the blanket. "You're not spending your birthday in bed."
Sparron reclaimed the covers with a quick yank and burrowed further beneath, a retreat with which Searle was not unfamiliar. "I'll spend my birthday how I like--and I like sleep."
"Don't be stupid." He reached to the side and rubbed Sparron's shoulder; defeated, his friend kicked back the sheets and slung his legs over the side of the bed. "I made plans."
"Don't be stupid." He reached to the side and rubbed Sparron's shoulder; defeated, his friend kicked back the sheets and slung his legs over the side of the bed. "I made plans."
Sparron sniffed. "And why the hell would you do that?"
"Because we're friends and we never do anything together."
Yawning, Sparron stretched his arms as he pulled himself to his feet. "What are you talking about? We do things all the time."
Yes, with Jadin or Isidro or Lonriad tagging along as well. Am I a horrible person if I want to get you alone? Then again, knowing Sparron, it probably wasn't wise to voice the thought. "Look, I just thought that with the tournament so close, your birthday might get lost in the hustle and bustle. I was thinking we could maybe go fishing."
Sparron swung himself around the bedpost and raised an eyebrow. "You hate fishing."
Searle shrugged. "You don't."
"No, and I appreciate the offer, but I'll have to decline." The lips he'd kissed a thousand times twitched into a grimace, apologetic as politeness dictated but not really sorry at all. Searle's stomach looped between his intestines and knotted itself into place. He'd woken that early and ridden all this way for a 'thank you, but no'? "I already made plans with Jeda; it's her birthday too, you know."
"Because we're friends and we never do anything together."
Yawning, Sparron stretched his arms as he pulled himself to his feet. "What are you talking about? We do things all the time."
Yes, with Jadin or Isidro or Lonriad tagging along as well. Am I a horrible person if I want to get you alone? Then again, knowing Sparron, it probably wasn't wise to voice the thought. "Look, I just thought that with the tournament so close, your birthday might get lost in the hustle and bustle. I was thinking we could maybe go fishing."
Sparron swung himself around the bedpost and raised an eyebrow. "You hate fishing."
Searle shrugged. "You don't."
"No, and I appreciate the offer, but I'll have to decline." The lips he'd kissed a thousand times twitched into a grimace, apologetic as politeness dictated but not really sorry at all. Searle's stomach looped between his intestines and knotted itself into place. He'd woken that early and ridden all this way for a 'thank you, but no'? "I already made plans with Jeda; it's her birthday too, you know."
"Yes, but--" But what? He sprung from the mattress and stared, smiling in some pathetic hope that Sparron wouldn't see right through it. "But you two spend so much time together anyway..."
"She's my sister, Searle." Sparron's eyes narrowed. He'd never had much patience for pointing out the obvious. "My twin sister. She needs me."
"And I don't?"
Sparron's mouth dropped its charade of a grin in exchange for an honest frown. Shit. He hadn't meant to say that aloud. "I don't see why you would, since we're just friends."
"Uh... yes. Right." Fuck. This whole thing had been stupid, coming here, making plans... the whole being friends thing, really. Friends didn't leave you aching if you didn't see each other for a week. Friends couldn't stop your heart just by walking into a room and friends sure as hell didn't crawl into your mind and refuse to leave while you were making love to your beautiful wife. "Sorry. I... I didn't mean that."
And I'm a terrible liar.
"It's fine." It wasn't. But that was all right. Pretending his problems didn't exist was still an improvement on Sparron's other methods of coping. "Anyway, I don't know if I'll be all day; why don't you go and train with Jadin and them, and maybe I'll join you later?"
Searle swallowed. It was far from what he'd wanted, but he was in no position to refuse. Sparron plus other people beat no Sparron at all. "All right."
"She's my sister, Searle." Sparron's eyes narrowed. He'd never had much patience for pointing out the obvious. "My twin sister. She needs me."
"And I don't?"
Sparron's mouth dropped its charade of a grin in exchange for an honest frown. Shit. He hadn't meant to say that aloud. "I don't see why you would, since we're just friends."
"Uh... yes. Right." Fuck. This whole thing had been stupid, coming here, making plans... the whole being friends thing, really. Friends didn't leave you aching if you didn't see each other for a week. Friends couldn't stop your heart just by walking into a room and friends sure as hell didn't crawl into your mind and refuse to leave while you were making love to your beautiful wife. "Sorry. I... I didn't mean that."
And I'm a terrible liar.
"It's fine." It wasn't. But that was all right. Pretending his problems didn't exist was still an improvement on Sparron's other methods of coping. "Anyway, I don't know if I'll be all day; why don't you go and train with Jadin and them, and maybe I'll join you later?"
Searle swallowed. It was far from what he'd wanted, but he was in no position to refuse. Sparron plus other people beat no Sparron at all. "All right."
"Good." Sparron gave him a pat on the arm, then shot a wayward glance toward the door. "Could you step outside for a second? I should get dressed."
NEXT CHAPTER:
NEXT CHAPTER:
14 comments:
As is probably painfully obvious, I made pretty much none of the intended progress on my other outlines over the holidays :(
But we are getting there...
Where did you get that hair in the preview pic? I love it.
I was watching the voyage of the dawn treader with my brother today, he thinks I'm crazy because I kept confusing Narnia with Naroni :S :P
This post was cute, you can still sense there is something between the two, just something.
I waaanna see Aspen kick butt!! (Or at least win the girl's hand ;)
I am so excited for the tournament!!!)
Aww, Searle and Sparron. :( Still so adorable, still so sad. I think Sparron asking Searle to leave while he changed pretty much said it all about their relationship right now.
I wonder if it's really over between them, though. It's obviously not over on Searle's side, but Sparron almost seems happier. Almost. Maybe he's just gotten better at hiding what he's feeling.
Epi: I'm guessing you mean Rona's? It can be found here (link courtesy of Morgaine after I saw it in Albion and had to have it).
EkhoGirl: XD
There's something there, for sure, as much as Sparron is ignoring it. It might have been interesting to get his POV here, but for certain reasons it had to be Searle's.
Tournament day (though not the actual tournament) starts with the next post! We probably won't be seeing much actual action due to posing limitations, though. Expect many crowd shots :S
Morgaine: Definitely. Searle's seen Sparron naked tons of times and now he has to leave the room so Sparron can change. Their relationship has drifted pretty drastically, at least outwardly :S
Searle's the type who mates for life. I don't know if he'll ever be able to fully move on. Sparron... well, it's tough to say at this point, but having broken off things with Searle does give him one less thing to worry about, so maybe he's a bit more relaxed now. That said, who knows how long that will last :S
It really does look like Sparron is trying to put his love for Searle to the side. Given when and where he lives, and who he is, that is the best damned thing he can do.
Searle just boggles my mind. I love him, he's so sincere and so transparent. And what you said about him mating for life makes sense. He may never be able to move on.
You're probably right about Sparron, given the time and place and everything else going on in his life right now. He doesn't really have any options other than letting Searle go, and at least it seems like he's trying to be an adult about it.
Searle... well, you have to wonder how he gets his arm through his sleeve when his heart's always in the way. Poor kiddo :(
ARGGHHHHH! Sparron, you idiot!!! ARGHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!! I mean, I know WHY but he knows he's being cruel. And just because he's perpetually miserable, just because he is trying to de-complicate his life, just because it is inconvenient to the point of improbability that these two should ever prance merrily in the flowers together does not give Sparron a license to be cruel. Maybe Searle is a little too resilient. Sparron knows that Searle isn't going anywhere no matter how he treats him, and he might subconsciously think of that as a license to be cruel. I have to also wonder if he doesn't get some kind of perverse enjoyment out of it. When he hurts Searle he is 1) free to hate himself for it. That probably feels a little like him getting what he deserves for being "devient" or whatever he thinks of himself as and 2) there has to be some weird sense of satisfaction out of punishing Searle simply because he can't have him. If Searle doesn't get to be bitter and shrivel up inside, he might just walk away for good one day. I would support Searle in that endeavor although, I am 150% certain that that is not what he wants.
Err... Pardon my dissertation-length comment.
There may be some undertones of head-butting here. They're both very stubborn and there's a lot more going on with either of them than they even know, I think :S
Although to be fair... they've been "off" for over a year now, so I don't think Sparron's exactly being cruel here, at least not compared to how he's been in the past. I think he's just trying to establish what they have right now as the new status quo.
But knowing Sparron, that will probably just blow up in his face...
That makes sense and I definitely understand Sparron's desire to say that this is the new normal however, couldn't he just say that this is how things are now as opposed to pretending their history away and worse, pretending Searle's current feelings away? When Searle said that he needed Sparron in that knee-jerk way, it wouldn't have killed their friendship for him to acknowledge that Searle missed him and plan something for later. Unless of course, Sparron really thinks that they can't do anything together without it ending romantically.
Incidentally, (says Pen 100 years later) why does Searle hate fishing? I mean, I know that wasn't the point of that detail. That Searle would plan to do something that he disliked for Sparron's sake is sweet but what is Searle's deal with fishing? Is he just too animated to sit in a boat for 2 hours?
I guess we'd have to get Sparron's POV to see how he really feels about doing things alone with Searle. I can't imagine he would have acknowledged it after Searle said he needed him, though. That seems like more intimacy than Sparron can handle :S
Yeah, that's pretty much the deal with Searle and fishing. He can't sit still and stay quiet for that long. His father and brothers aren't that big on fishing either.
Well i got all happy for a noting but a punch in the gut.
I have nothing to add that hasn't been discussed already but as you know I will be eagerly awaiting the next time i see these two together...or at all...even though it's been causing me nothing but heartache....
Sorry about that. :S
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