skip to main |
skip to sidebar
May 21, 1205
It would have figured that the man Dani married would be one of Celina's cousins. Of course, Celina's cousins seemed to comprise about half the population--hell, Dani herself was a relation on her mother's side--but Severin was a first cousin. An honest to God, father's-brother's-son first cousin.
Enough of a cousin to merit a visit upon return from Dovia.
Why was she here, even? Dani had written promptly with the news of Aydelle's death, but judging by Celina's levity, she'd left Dovia before the letter had arrived--either that, or she was more callous than Dani had thought.
No. Celina was a lot of things, but if she were entirely heartless, she'd never have asked Dani to keep an eye on the kids. She'd left Dovia before the letter had arrived. She was probably in Naroni for yet another of her family's baby booms; CeeCee had just birthed twins, and Severin's stepmother was due any day now (and given the size of her, Dani suspected yet another set of twins). The timing was also such that Celina and Marsden could meet the Dovian delegation to the Princess Viridis's wedding as they returned from Carvallon, then accompany them back.
Val happened to turn her little head just enough to catch sight of her lingering by the doorway. "Mama!"
Dani tried to smile as her daughter beamed and her husband got to up to greet her. "Hello, sweetheart. Severin. Celina."
"Ah yes, my cousin here is trying to make as many visits as she can while she and Marsden are here." Severin kissed Dani on the cheek, lucky enough to not even suspect that his cousin may have had an ulterior motive. If Celina made a point to call on pretty much everyone she knew, then none would think it particularly odd if, say, Nearina and her children were included in that lineup--or, as Celina probably intended, Aydelle. "How was your day?"
"Oh, well enough, I suppose. I'll fill you in on the details over supper." In truth, the events of her day had quite slipped her mind at the sight of her old acquaintance. How lovely it would have been to have lacked the curiosity to get involved in the first place! "Would you mind running down to the kitchen for some biscuits? Since Celina's here, I might as well get her opinion on something--a woman's opinion."
Her husband smirked. Severin was clever enough, but possibly due to the melodrama of his parents' relationship as he was growing up, he had that exact lack of interest that would have spared Dani from her unfortunate role in Celina's mess of a life. "I'll make a point to dawdle, then."
The acoustics of the house were such that footsteps were prominent; Dani waited until Severin's left the stairs and fell to the floor before she herself approached Celina. "Here for the births, I take it?"
"Yes, although only because the timing was fortunate; I know I won't be able to make every family event, but the timing worked well in this case." Celina's eyes flicked to where Severin had sat before. "Are you going to sit down, or...?"
"No. I have a few things to do. You can resume visiting with Severin when he returns." Dani bit her lip. Who knew if anyone would tell if she didn't, and her distaste for her husband's cousin was not so strong that she would risk Celina showing up at Aydelle's old house only to make things awkward for her son and daughter-in-law. She also had no reason to force Cenric or Leonora into telling it yet again. "I take it you didn't get my letter."
NEXT CHAPTER:
January 12, 1205
Dani's daughter wasn't old enough to make a proper playmate for Farr, but he didn't seem to mind. He didn't seem to mind much, really, and Dani wasn't yet sure what to make of that in regards to his parentage. Celina certainly thought herself easy-going, but that couldn't have been natural for someone so drama-hungry and egocentric. Aydelle? Dani didn't know her well enough to make that call. Aydelle was a guarded woman, which suited Dani just fine because she was a guarded woman too, only without the years of life experience that had added to Aydelle's guardedness.
Years that, if the thinning frame and the bags under her eyes and the worn woolen dressing gown said anything, might have been running out. "I get that you have some sort of agreement with Celina, but surely a young woman would be better off befriending someone her own age."
"If you believe that whether a person is similar in age to you is the only measure of compatibility, perhaps." Under cover of her skirts, Dani tensed her calf muscle. Her age or not, she'd never been one to actively seek friends, nor would she know how to go about it if she decided to do so. Having been visiting Aydelle on a semi-regular basis now, she supposed they weren't not friends, but any mutual fondness was incidental. She wouldn't have sought Aydelle's company if not for Celina's request, and she still wasn't quite sure why she'd obliged that request in the first place.
Toxic curiosity, she supposed. As horrifying as watching two ships ram into each other might have been, Dani wouldn't have turned away from the sight, and so too was the case with Celina's entire existence.
But as Celina herself was safely out of the country at the moment, Dani would attempt to focus on Aydelle herself. "How are you feeling?"
"Like shit, really." The older woman smirked. "But thanks for asking. And for the record, I've been around longer than a lot of people manage, and while I've made more than my fair share of mistakes, my children and grandchildren are flourishing, and I'm in a good place with everyone else I care about."
"That's... good?" At the very least, she wouldn't pry. Perhaps mortality, at least, was a topic better saved for peers of one's own age and relative health. "Though, I don't know if--"
"If I'm actually dying? Who knows, maybe I'm not. But if I am, then so be it." Aydelle sighed. "I'll be sad to miss Farr growing up, of course, but I know he'd be in good hands with Cenric and Leonora."
"I see." She didn't, but how else did one respond to such thoughts? At least, when one found soothing sentiments so fundamentally alien. "Uh... have you told Celina that you're ill?"
"I have not--and in case I do recover, I'd request that you follow my lead there." With a casual half-laugh, Aydelle slouched back, burying herself into the sofa pillows. "Though obviously I wouldn't be in much position to stop you telling her if I died."
NEXT CHAPTER:
March 27, 1203
"I take it this isn't a social call."
Dani did, in fact, take it right. A mere four days before graduation and Celina ought to have been packing her things, having a few last drinks with her remaining friends and housemates, calling on relations she was unlikely to see again before she left for Dovia on the first of April. True, Dani's husband was Celina's first cousin, but he lived on campus as a faculty member and he taught in her field of study and she therefore saw him often enough--and she knew for a fact that he would be holed up in the philosophy department's office all day, finishing up all the freshman through junior grades he'd put aside to focus on the more urgent work of near-graduates.
Dani, however, had time off at present--which meant that Celina could safely seek her out without Severin ever having to know she'd been there.
"You know that I'm leaving after graduation, right?"
"With your betrothed in Dovia? I'd figured as much."
"Right." Celina sighed. In the interests of brevity, she'd take Dani's lack of need for explanation as a blessing. "I want you to keep an eye on Farr for me. And... Nanalie."
Dani sniffed. "This after you insisted that Nanalie was Oswald's."
"Legally, she is. And for Nearina's sake, it's easier if it's left at that. Besides, she could really be Oswald's, for all we know." And yet... well, even if Nanalie was Oswald's--and she did hope she was!--Celina did owe Nearina some consideration. Even if Nearina didn't know it. "I think I'd just sleep easier if I had some reassurance that she was all right. With Farr, at least Aydelle can write to me too, but you're the only one who knows about Nanalie."
"And it's better for everyone involved if it stays that way."
"Exactly."
"Hmm. I don't dislike Nearina, but we're not friends. It would be odd if I started calling on her all of a sudden. But, I'll see what I can do." In Dani's mind, Celina guessed that the connecting social lines were drawing themselves already. Dani was married to Severin, Severin's brother was Arkon, Arkon was married to Honora, Honora was Nearina's sister. That, and there were parties. Many, many parties. A throwaway conversation could lead to something more. "But if you make any more messes up in Dovia, you do realize I can't help you out there--nor would I care to if I could."
"I know. And I've... changed things." Any further children Celina had, she'd sworn when she'd processed Nearina's pregnancy, would be Marsden's. She couldn't limit herself to him entirely--it would have been a waste of her gift--but he'd be her only heterosexual relationship. She'd keep to women as a woman, and to men as a man. No more accidents. No more mistakes.
"Good." Dani slid the nail of her thumb across her index finger. An impatient tick of hers. This conversation had no further purpose to serve. "Congratulations on graduating, and on your impending nuptials. Best of luck in Dovia."
"Thank you." And Celina did mean it. She was grateful.
But the graduation and the nuptials were the least of it.
NEXT CHAPTER:
July 31, 1202
"You don't think--!"
Did it matter what Dani thought? Celina, at least, got that it was a possibility.
As for what Dani thought... well, exactly that. A possibility. "Calm down. I'm just alerting you to the situation. The baby could just as easily be Oswald's. Everyone knows that those two could never keep their hands off each other, so who's to say they didn't conceive the night before his death?"
"Nearina, maybe?"
"Given the timing, I doubt it." Good God. How did the idea that a woman could somehow know or control everything about any child she carried still exist? Whenever Celina had last switched the rest of her body back to female, she must have forgotten about her mind. "Besides, I'm sure she'll be telling herself it's Oswald's no matter what. This would be his last child, after all, and you know better than anyone how much she loved him."
"Don't remind me. But I hope you're right." Celina sighed. She, of course, wouldn't be convinced of that unless the baby was the unmistakable spawn of Oswald. That wasn't Dani's problem. She'd passed along the warning, lest Celina reveal herself in a moment of panic if she heard from anyone else--because if Nearina didn't know what had happened that night, then she was better off not finding out. She'd done the bare minimum required of a decent person, which was all she ever made a point to do. She just wasn't the sort to go the extra mile.
"You ought to add to that the hope that it is, indeed, Oswald's."
"Well, yes. Obviously. Er, for Nearina." But for herself too. Dani wasn't the only one for whom altruism was a struggle. "What if it looks like me, though?"
Dani shrugged. "She probably took you for a Kemorin anyway--some bastard of your father's, or some descendant from your grandfather's bachelor days. You and Oswald were... second cousins, once removed, I believe? His mother was first cousin to your grandfather. It wouldn't be the strangest thing in the world if Oswald fathered a child who looked like you, or any of your siblings or cousins."
"And if it looks like Nearina?"
"Then that would surprise nobody, seeing as the one thing we can all agree on is that it's hers. Nearina will tell herself it's Oswald's, it'll be in all official records as Oswald's, and no one will ever be any the wiser unless your secret becomes not only common knowledge, but actually believable common knowledge."
"You didn't have any trouble believing it."
"Only because I happened to see it. Nearina hasn't--and for the sake of both of your best interests, I hope you keep it that way."
"Do you really think I won't? I've barely worked up the nerve to go and see her again as a friend--and yes, I remember what you said about her needing a friend." She ought to have. It had only come up in every conversation they'd had since. "I'll go see her some time in the next few days. Just to see how she's coping."
NEXT CHAPTER:
July 31, 1202
"Thanks for taking those notes for me. Figures, the one time that anything interesting gets discussed in that class, and--" Clia cut herself off just as she remembered who she was talking to. Aside from their shared hatred for their Classical History elective, she and Dani had never had much to bond over, even if they didn't have any explicit distaste for each other. Where would the bonding even start? Clia had no idea what, if anything, Dani found interesting.
But she somehow doubted that her own family problems would have been one such thing. "Sorry. Long story short, my sister-in-law, Nearina--you know, my brother's widow--she took a fall down the stairs, which she probably would have just shrugged off under normal circumstances, but she's with child, and--"
"Sorry?"
"Oh!" And without fail... she'd gone on about her family problems anyway. If only the rest of her could have run like her tongue did, Clia's mother had often teased, she could have gone to Egypt and back every day of her life. And of course her tongue wouldn't consider that someone like Dani wouldn't much care for that manic chatter! Good Lord--did Dani ever say a word without weighing its worth six times in her head? "My apologies. I mean, you know how I just go on and on when I start talking, and I know you've gotten a kick out of it when we're struggling to survive that ridiculously dull class, but now you've gone through all the trouble of doing me a favor and here I am, just talking your ear off about all this--"
"No, no. You're... verbose. I get that." But her brows remained knotted and eyes kept to a squint. "I didn't know that Nearina was pregnant."
"Oh, right. Yes, she hasn't been getting out all that much. She's still mourning Oswald, and now that she's carrying the last child he's ever going to have, she doesn't want to risk anything happening to it, which is why it was important that we were all there--just to be sure that everything was all right after her fall."
"Yes, of course." Dani bit her lip. "She can't be that all far along yet if not many people know, right?"
Clia shook her head. Poor Nearina. It was tragedy enough, a posthumous child, but one whose poor father hadn't even lived long enough to know of its existence... "She had no idea until after he died. Her mother's a midwife, and her guess is that the baby would have been conceived mere days before."
"That's... terrible timing."
"Isn't it?" Clia sighed. As if merely missing her brother wasn't enough as it was! "I mean, even if it had been a month or so earlier, Oswald could have at least known about it."
"Him and Nearina both." Dani pinched a lock of red hair between her fingers and twisted it--an odd burst of fidgeting from someone typically so collected. "I'm sorry. I've been prying into your family's personal business, and I ought to have known better. I should really go and get some work done."
NEXT CHAPTER:
May 20, 1202
"So, um..." Celina swallowed. Only a matter of hours ago, it had been impossible to conceive that she would have trudged straight up to Dani's room upon her return to Scorpio House, banking on insomnia once again striking her nemesis--and banking on Dani's willingness to be her usual dagger-tongued, sanctimonious self. But, within her stirred a toxic mix of guilt and emptiness where she'd thought she'd find ecstasy. Talking about it wouldn't fix anything, but it could bring clarity.
Clarity, and a scolding--which, frankly, Celina deserved. "...you might have been right."
Any other night, Dani's lack of surprise would have been insulting. "You went to see Nearina, didn't you?"
She nodded. If she'd already admitted to Dani being right, then there wasn't much she couldn't own up to. "Yes."
"Did you sleep with her?"
Perhaps, however, there were things she couldn't admit verbally--so she took to staring at the floor and curling her toes within her boots.
"Dear Lord. Look, don't tell me how you got a grieving widow into the mood, because I don't want to know--and it doesn't matter. Didn't it occur to you how grossly manipulative that would be?"
"Er... not until after, no." Or possibly during. Levels of enthusiasm among her past partners had varied, but they'd all been engaged enough to lead her to believe they liked it. Nearina's one request as she'd let her dress fall to the study floor had been to feel something, but the stony breath in which she'd said it ought to have betrayed the impossibility. She hadn't gasped, moaned, called Oswald's name. Nor had she cringed or struggled or begged for it to stop. She'd just lain there, staring up with a corpse's eyes, mind and heart both miles away from her body. It had been for sheer will that Celina even came, and Nearina certainly hadn't climaxed--not that she'd seemed to care.
"At least promise me you didn't--ah, never mind. We both know she didn't want it, not really."
"She initiated, though?" That implied wanting. Didn't it?
"Then she wanted to want it, maybe. She wanted to feel something." Make me feel something. Uncanny. "I suppose we can only hope you didn't just hurt her more. You should see her tomorrow--as yourself, as your friend, not whatever creep had his way with her the night prior. She'll still be grieving, but just make sure that she isn't... traumatized."
Traumatized. Dani's choice of word didn't need the hesitation. God, Nearina didn't deserve any trauma on top of her mourning. Could anyone be so vile as to deserve trauma? Had Celina traumatized anyone else?
"Do you think I should tell her?"
"Absolutely not. If she's not feeling violated already, then she'd bound to be when she learns that her alleged friend fabricated a new identity just to fuck her. She needs friends right now--real friends. If you care at all about her, you'll be that real friend."
Not that Celina had ever been anyone's 'real friend', if that was what it meant. "Am I bad person?"
Dani sighed. "You're a complex person. Complex people are capable of doing good, and bad--and yes, that was bad. Possibly worse than either of us realize, but for Nearina's sake, I hope that's not the case."
That was that, then. From now on, with the exception of Aydelle, it would be preferers of relative anonymity. And no bedding anyone as a man who knew her as a woman. That would be a start, at least.
But too late a start, maybe too little of one. "...I might need your help with a few things."
NEXT CHAPTER:
May 9, 1202
Celina gritted her teeth as she sat up, only bothering to rise because the conversation at hand would be counter-productive to relaxation. For the present term, the only students at Scorpio House with no classes scheduled for Thursday afternoons were herself and Dani. On most Thursday afternoons, they had little reason to talk to each other and more or less made a mutual point to avoid doing so.
Most Thursday afternoons didn't follow an ill-timed meeting of Dani's insomnia and Celina's slip-ups on Wednesday night.
"Look, there's no use in trying to blackmail me, if that's what you're thinking. No one in their right mind would believe you."
The other woman sniffed. Not for the first time, Celina fought off the bewilderment that two reasonably attractive people such as Sir Neilor and Lady Tivie had produced a pug-faced perma-scowler like Dani. Her cousin Severin had either terrible eyesight or a gross misconception of Dani's personality, if not both. The room was a less comfortable place for her mere presence in it, even if she'd been minding her own business and Celina hadn't seen her enter. "I have no interest in blackmail. I doubt you have anything I want, and I couldn't care less about whatever the hell it is you do to yourself anyway."
Whatever the hell it is you do to yourself. A phrasing both shockingly apathetic and insultingly unimpressed. What Dani had stumbled across the night before was bound to be the most remarkable thing she'd ever see in her life, and yet here she was, rolling her eyes as if forced to tell yet another distant relation how her studies were going. "Then why bother with this conversation, exactly?"
"Because." With an uncharacteristic swiftness, Dani strode toward her and set herself on the other bench like a judge commencing court. "While I don't fault you your curiosity, I'm compelled to point out the element of non-disclosure in your liaisons."
"Pardon?" There had to have been a plainer way of saying it. Dani must have figured that roundabout language demonstrated her moral high ground. Bitch. "First of all, you don't even know that I'm having liaisons."
"Actually, I do. One of the guards here on campus also works for my father, and I know for a fact that he's a man of... certain tastes, shall we say? He and I are on friendly enough terms, so I happened to mention a classmate of your description who might have been interested--but, as it turns out, you already were interested."
"What of it? He wasn't any less interested than I was."
"Yes, but that might have been different had he known that you only came to him as a man because he wouldn't have had you as a woman, or that you're only after whatever fun you can have while technically telling the truth when your betrothed takes your maidenhead. Same with some of the other men you might have bedded--and the women, if your obvious drooling over Nearina is anything to go by. Yes, they might enjoy it, but it's occurring under false pretenses."
"It's not--look, do you really think most of them would want to know the truth? Or that I shouldn't make good use of a gift that for all I know is unique to me?"
"It's not as if there aren't people who aren't particular about sex, you know--yourself obviously being one of them. I won't indulge you by pretending to care about how many people you sleep with, but I hope you know you're walking a fine line. Willingness can have its terms, and ceases to be willingness if those terms are disregarded. A violation may as well be--"
A writhing discomfort in Celina's gut guessed at what terrible word Dani had been about to say, but it was left to speculation by a man's knock. Celina bit her lip. She almost wished they hadn't been interrupted, so Dani might have said something less accusatory, or so she could have defended herself had she not. But she wouldn't pretend she'd be sorry to have a less repugnant face to look at. "Come in."
"Celina," her cousin greeted her as he did as she said, fist clenched at his side and his mouth drawn in a wary frown. Celina squinted. Even if Rio--who had already graduated from the university, whose lady love did indeed live at Scorpio House but wasn't there presently--made a habit of calling on her, he wouldn't have done so with such a grim countenance. "Dani."
"Rio." Celina's toes curled inward as he approached. It had to have been bad news, but of what? Of who? She couldn't think of any relatives in particularly poor health. "What's wrong?"
"It's your friend. Nearina."
Her blood froze in her veins and left her flesh for a minute both heavy and numb.
But how smugly self-righteous Dani would have been had she known just how short-lived that feeling wound up being.
"Her husband is dead."
NEXT CHAPTER:
May 26, 1200
More for appearances' sake than anything else, Celina had agreed to wait until the wedding night to consummate her relationship with Marsden. That said, not everything in the realm of the sexual was, by strict definition, sex. They had made good use of those technicalities thusfar and would continue to do so. Making out on Celina's bed while most of her housemates had classes? Not sex. Marsden lowering his braises or Celina lifting her skirts for a welcome hand--or a welcome mouth? Not sex. Sexual, yes--but not sex.
Besides, the technicalities only fell between the two of them. Celina was not so naive as to think that Marsden wasn't as prone to the occasional brothel visit as any other man his age (hell, she'd seen him at the nearest one once!), nor did she see much point in caring given her own activities. She doubted he suspected anything, but it didn't matter. She'd be a virgin on their wedding night.
A virgin with men, anyway. Or, if a bit of gossip she'd overheard about Congren Indruion was true, then a virgin with men as a woman.
"Where'd you learn to kiss like that?" Marsden moaned between partings of their lips. The scratch of his beard against her face was enough to make her yearn for it in a much lower region.
"Mmm... I'm a Kemorin." That, she justified as he dove into her neck, was true. "I come by it naturally."
His hand ventured from her side toward her breast, but stopped with the knock at the door. "The walls aren't soundproof, you know."
It would of course be the case that of Celina's seven housemates, the only one home at present was Dani del Marinos.
"Dani, it's not a small house!" Celina laughed as Marsden eased off of her, if only to mask her discomfort. "Surely there's some corner where you can't hear us."
"You'd be surprised--but I'm not here about the noise. You have a visitor."
"Really?" Gennie, perhaps? Somehow, she'd decided that the best way to figure out how to love Wolf was to learn to love the rest of his non-Dalston family. "Who is it? And you can come in, I suppose; the door's unlocked, and we're fully clothed."
"I don't know where you get the idea that I care," Dani muttered as she entered anyway, as if her suspicious amber eyes didn't answer her own question. The rest of the girls at Scorpio House thought Celina as ordinary as any of them, but Dani--whether she knew it or not--had an air about her that betrayed an insight to something unfathomable. "It's Mistress Ildaras. She's in the sitting room."
"Mistress Ildaras?" Neither Dani nor Marsden needed to know that Celina knew Aydelle any more personally. "My Aunt Leara's maid?"
"Apparently." Dani sniffed. Celina didn't blame her; who received social calls from their aunt's maid, after all?
But if the brothel excursions had a less obvious benefit, it was an increased ability as a liar. "Oh! I'd forgotten; my aunt had this new dress a while back, and I just adored the fabric. I asked Aydelle about it, and she'd said she'd see if she could get some for me."
"You must be out of luck, then; she's empty-handed."
"Maybe not, if she's sent it to my grandfather's keep and just wanted to tell me." Odd, maybe--but Dani didn't press further, and Marsden didn't appear to be so much listening as he was waiting for Dani to leave. "Well, if she came all the way out here, it would be terribly rude of me not to greet her. Marsden, do you mind waiting a few minutes? I'll make it worth it," she added to her betrothed with a wink.
Marsden smirked; out of the corner of her eye, Celina watched as Dani prowled off to wherever the hell Dani spent her free time. "I suppose I can manage a few minutes..."
She paid him one more quick kiss, then rose from the bed and hurried down to the sitting room. Sure enough, Aydelle was there, seated on one of the benches. "Aydelle?"
"Celina." The older woman flashed her a smile, then stood. "I hope you don't mind my dropping by."
"Not at all." It was a lie--she was eager to get back to Marsden--but it was the least she could do for her confidante. "What brings you to campus?"
"There's something I thought you should be aware of, and I think we'd both rather you heard it straight from me." Aydelle stepped around the back of the bench and approached, mouth held shut until she was only a few feet short of Celina. "I just came from a consultation with Arydath."
Arydath. The midwife.
Arydath--
--that midwife. "You don't mean--!"
"Relax. You're not... the only candidate. I'm just not sure if it occurred to you that it might be possible."
Well, it had now! "I--I had figured it was just--well, I don't know about anything internal--"
"Well, for all either of us know, maybe there's truth in that and you had nothing to do with this. But you did..." Aydelle improvised some gesture that involved a sudden flexing of the fingers. It wouldn't have been intuitive without context, but it was more than enough for Celina. "...you know."
"Ah--right." Shit. And here she'd thought her abilities had given her a unique opportunity to have her fun while still postponing motherhood for a few years yet. She hadn't even considered... fatherhood.
It would take quite the performance on Marsden's part to take her mind off of this.
"Obviously, even if I knew for sure it was you, I wouldn't expect anything. Acknowledgment, at least, would have to be out of the question."
"Yes, definitely." Acknowledgment to herself would be difficult enough! "But even if it's not... mine... let me know if you need any money or help or anything. It's the least I can do for your keeping my secret."
And for potentially having knocked her up. If Celina managed to think about anything else for one minute before she could see that baby for herself and whether or not any trace of her was in it, she'd count herself coping well.
And the next time she needed to let off some steam, she'd be going to Congren Indruion's instead of the brothel.
NEXT CHAPTER:
