In Which Searle's Head Catches Up

May 15, 1188

Searle couldn't take it any more.

Sparron had been gone for over a year. Sparron, gone, without any warning, without any closure. The love of his life, out of the world forever.

And then, only a month ago, his older brother had died too. Jadin, his protector and champion, the one person who'd indulged his weakness without thinking him weak. Jadin was gone, and he'd taken whatever stability Sparron had left behind with him.

Searle had been a burden to Lettie and children, his father and stepmother long enough. His remaining siblings were there, but he'd never been particularly close to any of them. Lonriad was the closest, maybe, but he had problems of his own. At least Lonriad still had his champion in Raia. Raia would indulge Searle if he dropped in on her, but they'd never had much in common. Lonriad had always been the more worthy project there.

As for his younger siblings... well, shouldn't he have been the one looking out for them? Not the other way around?

What the hell was wrong with him? He was an adult. Sure, losing loved ones was difficult, but why couldn't he take care of himself like everyone else? Was he not a complete person on his own? Was there some part of him missing--

Yes. Yes, there was. That was Sparron. And now every loss since and to come would be that much harder.

He didn't think he could lose anyone else.

But the only way that could happen was if he was next.

Maybe that was why he'd left the castle, wondered off into the woods. His feet knew he was a waste of space, and his head had just caught up. Maybe he'd call out for Deian. Beg that creature to put him out of his misery. Surely Lettie and the children would be better off without him. And his parents and siblings, maybe it would be easier if they lost two close together. Maybe it was the kindest thing he could do for--

"Searle!"

"What are you doing out here?"

NEXT CHAPTER: