In Which Alyssin Learns What Always Was

August 22, 1188

Alyssin's older two boys were asleep, or had at least managed to fool her mother into thinking they were. It would have been a fight for them, but she envied them if they could sleep at all. Of course, any peace they might have had would be shattered with the sight of her in the morning.

They knew about Tanver. Their little brother had been dead two days now, taking his last breath only a couple hours after Aerina had advised sending Florian and Donrain away. Jazelle, though, had been on the mend. Jazelle had been recovering. Her fever had been down, she'd been awake and talking, she'd even gotten out of bed to use the chamberpot. But as suddenly as she'd gotten better, she'd gotten worse.

And now she too was gone.

Was Alyssin a horrible mother to her remaining boys if she wished was was gone as well?

Aidric was still here, wasn't he? Standing watch over Jazelle's body since Alyssin couldn't take it any more? Hell, he'd be around more if he was all Florian and Donrain had. Maybe. At least the kids did have two sets of grandparents and their fair share of aunts and uncles and cousins.

But no sister or baby brother. Not any more.

Maybe Alyssin wasn't the best person in the world. She swore too much and drank too much--several pints tonight and half her thoughts contained the word 'fuck'--and maybe her cynicism rubbed people the wrong way. She'd fucked a few men before she married and picked Aidric because he was the best in bed. And maybe there had been cause to fear that Tanver had been Jadin of Veldora's before he'd come out with Aidric's face on him.

But if her children's deaths were some sort of punishment--some punishment meant for her, as surely neither had deserved it--well... why couldn't the punishment have actually been hers? Why punish her children as well? Why take their lives before they even started.

"Oh. You're here."

It was Teodrin. He was such an insignificant figure that Alyssin sometimes forgot she had a brother between the Opposite Twins and Aldhein. But he was inoffensive, and she guessed she needed inoffensive right now. "Good to know your eyes work."

"Then Jazelle--"

"Didn't make it." Alyssin slouched. The ache in her shoulder would require more alcohol. "Never have kids. People aren't built to take it when they die."

Her brother cringed a minute. Maybe the 'never have kids' had been out of place. Teodrin was a scrawny, near-invisible mass of shyness who lacked so much as a whisker at fifteen and had probably never so much as kissed a girl. Or a boy, if that was what he preferred. Alyssin couldn't bring herself to give a fuck.

"Teo, when did life become such a steaming pile of shit?"

"I don't know."

He sat. His ass barely brought a rustle out of the cushion. "Maybe it always was."

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