March 4, 2012

In Which Sparron Learns What He Wants

March 24, 1178

Perhaps it had been a waste of time, calling at Searle and Lettie's when it turned out that neither of them were even home, but if anything Sparron was relieved. Time spent with Searle was awkward and strained, and then Searle would make it more so by trying to make it less so. As for Lettie, he supposed he was growing accustomed to her--grudgingly fond, even, if he forgot his resolve to hate her--but he was only comfortable around her so long as he didn't look. She was getting bigger and bigger and meanwhile Camaline was stuffing her dress and the whole thing was just bizarre.

Camaline. She looked fucking ridiculous and he wasn't the only one who thought so. Searle shot transparent grimaces and Lettie made increasingly witty comparisons. His father had taken to greeting her with sweeping glances and even his stepmother had to blink and he didn't even want to think about Florian. At least his little siblings were still too young and oblivious to suspect anything.

This was stupid. He had three little brothers. What were the odds that at least one of them would outlive him? Practically a hundred percent. They were the sons of a princess, which he wasn't. They were healthy, which he wasn't. They would probably marry women who could give them sons and they would probably be enthusiastic about making said sons--which he hadn't, which he wasn't. Nythran and Farilon were more personable than he, more prone to action and yet more diplomatic, subtle but with a way of getting things done, and all this before they were even ten. Hell, even baby Oswald had more of a leader's personality than he did. What the hell had he gained from all this? Concrete proof that he could cum in the right hole?

Bah, who was he kidding? Wouldn't have even managed that without Searle's tongue running laps around his neck.

Why the hell did I agree to this? He didn't need an heir. He didn't need to get caught up with Searle again and he didn't need to drag Lettie into it. And for all he cared for Camaline, he felt no obligation to care quite that much.

"Your father."

The hairs on the back of his neck stood. This voice was not like the others. Immense will could keep the rest at bay, but this was one voice who would not be silenced. She came and went as she pleased and would continue to do so, just because she could. And he could do nothing.

"We've been over this. Men want children, men want grandchildren. Men like your father? They want them more than most--believe me."

He did. He wasn't sure why. "Don't..."

"Don't what? Tell you how to make him happy?" Her laughter was a bad rash spreading on his brain and he wished he could scratch it. Scratching would kill her. Better yet, it would kill him too. "Don't be stupid. You know that's all you really want--your father to love you. Give him a grandson and he might."

Beneath his weight, his arm stiffened. His father did love him, or at least he said he did. And he couldn't have been lying. Sparron's feelings weren't worth the trouble of lies. "Who says my father doesn't love me?"

That haughty sniff might as well have been spit in the eye. "So naive. Men love sons who are strong and bright and produce sons of their own. You're a weak, half-mad little pervert with a barren wife you're too spineless to divorce and a sick fondness for your own sex. He's smarter than he seems, you know. He knows it's not a baby under her dress. He knows that Kemorin boy isn't just a special friend. When he knows all that, what reason has he to love you?"

Sparron's shaking hand hung over his knee like a threatening storm cloud but he didn't let himself look. Staring straight ahead was all that was keeping him from collapsing into a crying mass of raving lunatic. "He doesn't know..."

"Stupid boy. Of course he knows. It's obvious, all of it." He shook his head, but he wasn't sure why. It didn't make sense if part of him agreed. "Your own fault, of course. Is it that difficult to feign an interest in cleavage? Or are you so far gone that you've lost control of your eyes?"

He said nothing. He just sat there like some half-wit child who'd been smacked into a stasis. Not that he was anything else.

"I thought so. You're just as weak as your father, aren't you? You're lucky he can't find it in his heart to punish you. A stronger man would have sent you off to some monastery to have the depravity flogged right out of you. Of course... you would have enjoyed that, wouldn't you? Naked on your knees while another man beat your back?"

His teeth had sunk into his tongue and his mouth tasted of rust. He swallowed back the blood and prayed that he'd choke. "Please leave."

She just laughed again. He wished that nearly twenty-two was young enough to barge into his father's meeting and sob into the shoulders that held the world in place. He wished his father cared enough to let him do so. His father was the only one who could make her go away.

"I want my papa..."

He thought he felt a finger scarf itself with a lock of his hair. He thought he felt it yank.

NEXT CHAPTER:

7 comments:

Van said...

Not sure how I managed to write this while listening to "Safety Dance"... :S

Anonymous said...

Oh. My. God. That was creepy!!

It doesn't surprise me that the most persistent and evil of Sparron's voices sounds like his mother. Did she ever say a pleasant word to him or Jeda while she was alive? And of course Sparron must have heard her berating his father from time to time. All of that is probably still lurking somewhere in his subconscious.

Unless, of course, this is somehow the ghost of Medea come back to torment her son -- but I have a hard time believing even she could be that evil. She was a bitch, yeah, and she was very sick, but this would be just pure evil.

Also -- I think Octavius and Sparron are long overdue for a talk. Octavius knows, right? I think he needs to let Sparron know he knows and then maybe this hallucination will lose some of its power. Otherwise, I'm afraid Sparron might make another suicide attempt, and this time, he might succeed. :(

Van said...

No, I don't think this is actually Medea's ghost. She was never nice, but she wasn't that mean. Much more likely that this is just Sparron's subconscious, not-unbiased yet ill-informed perception of her :S

As for Octavius... well, he does seem to suspect something, but if that suspicion is the right suspicion and if he's grown more confident in it remains to be seen. If he does know, he's keeping it to himself--either not wanting to upset Sparron while he's already vulnerable or some half-logic about it not being true until Sparron actually admits it.

But yeah, whether he knows or not and whether he tells Sparron he knows or not, they probably could use a talk. Sparron needs to know that his father is there for him.

Penelope said...

XD XD XD WAY TO KILL THE MOOD, VAN! *starts humming to self*

I think that this might concretely be the beginning of the end for Sparron. :\

Van said...

Heheh...

It's certainly not a good sign :S

Anonymous said...

I would probably make the situation worse for Sparron if I knew him/was in your game.
Honestly, maybe I'm just a complete bitch but the way I see it is that Sparron needs to grow some balls and tell Medea to get the fuck out of his head.
(Mind the language please :P)
I mean, I get that he loves his father, and that he needs guidance. BUT, I think at some point Medea (or, 'the voices') should say something (maybe against Jeda or Searle?) to set him off, and Sparron is gonna have to stop thinking of himself and start caring for the people around him.

Wow, I really am being a tough bitch right now, but maybe that's what he needs, or else he's just going to keep sinking further and further into self-doubt and feeling sorry for himself, and that's not gonna fix things. Maybe once his baby is born Camaline (I can only imagine her having the guts to say it) will tell him to shape up for the sake of his kid.
RAWR!

Sorry Van, I've got some personal history with the self-pitying guys, when really they just need to man up and take it. :/

Van said...

No worries, this comment section is definitely a free speech zone. And with some of the language I've used while commenting on other people's blogs, it wouldn't exactly be fair if I objected on those grounds XD

I can see where you're coming from, for sure (I've known some self-pitying guys too).

With Sparron, though... well, that was what he maybe should have done a long time ago, back when he was a kid when everything was still tough but at least it was just the one tough thing. Now he's mentally ill (if he wasn't before) and he can't just wake up one day and decide not to be, especially when he's living in a time and place without much in store for treatments and when most people are content to dismiss him as "mad" and leave it at that.

Who knows, maybe having a baby around will be therapeutic for him. If nothing else, these instances do seem to hit him most often when he's alone, and it's not like the baby would have to be at X place at Y time.