In Which Rona's Truth Does Worse

August 5, 1181

When Rona had been a little girl--five, maybe six--a couple of the older boys had somehow gotten it into their heads that not only was it perfectly acceptable to push the duke's youngest sister into a pond, there was really no reason not to push the duke's youngest sister into a pond when the chance came up.

The water, of course, hadn't been deep--she probably could have stood if she'd stopped panicking long enough to try--but there had been mud and leeches and frogspawn, and she'd never been the sort of child who cared for dirt, nor had she been much of a swimmer. By the time Aspen had pulled her out, she'd been convinced that she was going to die. She'd made a point to avoid bodies of water since then.

And that only further begged the question as to what she was doing here, sitting at the edge of a pond, with no apparent intention of moving any time soon.

She wasn't even sure how she'd gotten there, or how long she'd been sitting. The last thing she remembered was passing out in Ashe's arms just as he'd set down his goblet and told her to try to keep an open mind. She'd had some wine herself, of course, but not even enough to be tipsy, much less falling-down drunk.

Her hand still throbbed somewhat.

It must have been the roses.

Maybe she was--

"Hi, Rona."

Rona scrambled to her feet, little if any pond-side muck clinging to her skirts. Did she dare turn around? It was a voice she hadn't heard in years, a voice she'd nearly given up hope of ever hearing again. Was it worth getting her hopes up, in this strange place she couldn't recall entering? Or if she really had died... did she even hope it at all?

"...Aspen?"

"Yes and no." It was a non-answer for which Rona couldn't resist turning around. She sure looked like Aspen, all soft red hair and startling eyes and scattered freckles. But Rona didn't know what to make of that. If Rona was dead... "I'm an approximation of Aspen based on what you know of her and what you think of her. So from your specific point of view, yes, I am Aspen."

Rona squinted, Aspen's green eyes growing brighter and duller at once. That... made little sense. If any. "Are we dead?"

"No. This is your subconscious. Your mind is here to rest while your body heals. You're more or less your own internal avatar. And I..." She shook her head, but drew nearer--near enough to reach, near enough to touch. "I'm glad to see you."

"I'm glad to see you too." Rona practically fell forward for a hug. She'd always been able to count on Aspen to catch her--in real life, and in figments of imagination. "Even if it is just in my head. I wish you'd visit in real life."

"I wish I could. It's not possible, though." Aspen's hold tightened for a second--not harshly, but the suddenness of it was alarming enough for a private twinge on Rona's part. "Not while he's there."

"Who, Ashe?" Aspen's chin hit her shoulder as she nodded. Rona sucked back her lips to keep from grinding her teeth. Ashe had implied that he and Aspen had never met, but such words were not so bluntly snarled about strangers. Yet another lie?

But if it was her subconscious... then she must have secretly believed it? Even without knowing? She couldn't quite grasp the logic of that. Ashe said he'd never met Aspen, Aspen had never mentioned Ashe, and Rona had no reason to suspect anything of it. Unless she secretly suspected that every word out of Ashe's mouth was a lie. "Uh... well, I don't always get along with my cousins either, but..."

"Cousin? Ashe isn't my cousin." Aspen stepped back, lips pursed, surprised at best and wounded at worst. But why? Even if he was a liar, surely he hadn't done anything to deserve that level of denial.

Could he have? She didn't want to think so. He was better than that. Wasn't he? "He said you might not have known he existed."

"Rona, I know I don't have any cousins. Neither of my parents had any siblings who made it past infancy. I told you that, once--remember?"

Rona blinked. Yes... yes, Aspen had told her that once, shortly after her cousin Lettie had arrived in Naroni to marry Searle. Rona had been nervous about meeting Lettie for the first time in an intimate setting, and Aspen had tried to reassure her but admitted that she couldn't relate. Why? She had no cousins. She had no aunts and uncles. She had no family at all. "You did..."

"Don't blame him, though. He may genuinely believe it, though it's more likely that he believes we're siblings. Twins, even." Twins. They shared the same birthday. They looked so much alike. Their parents may have shared names--Rona had given up on ever getting to the bottom of that.

But Aspen didn't have any siblings, and certainly not a twin. Why would Ashe believe otherwise? And if he did believe it, why would he tell her that they were cousins?

"He probably didn't think you would believe him," Aspen answered, not needing to be asked. It made sense, Rona figured, that Aspen could read her mind. They were both in her head, were they not? "Or maybe he caught hearsay of the truth before he met you and thought it easier to lie than to prove anything. But he might not think that. I don't know what he thinks he is."

But then...

"Um. Who is he?" She knew Aspen had said 'what', but that didn't feel right.

"He's nobody, Rona." Aspen grabbed her by the hand. She hadn't registered her own trembling without the comparative steadiness. "He's not even a real person. He's a body designed by the magic of the forest dwellers for the sole purpose of being your husband. How do you think it was that a seventeen-year-old commoner no one had ever heard of showed up against all those noted champions and bested them all? It wasn't luck. He was built to win."

No. No, he was real. He had to be real... didn't he? "Is this really what I believe deep down?"

"I'm sorry, Rona." But for once, Aspen didn't sound sorry at all. "He appeared out of nowhere and he can't keep his own story straight. He's just as confused as you are, or he would be if he was capable of confusion. He's a constructed figure with whatever crude imitation of a mind they could have given him. He can process thoughts, but he doesn't have any memories of his own. Or any feelings."

Feelings?! She couldn't have believed that. She'd always thought--consciously thought--it was the one thing he would never lie to her about. It was the one thing she could cling to. The one thing she dared hope. "But he loves me!"

"No." Not even Aspen's voice could soften the blow of that one horrible word. "He thinks he does, because his template did, but he doesn't have a heart. He's not capable of real love."

But it feels so real. Then again, how would she know? If it was true, then no one had ever loved her and what difference did it make. "Why would you tell me that?"

"Because we're deep in your mind, and here, I'm the embodiment of truth as you understand it. I'm the only one who never lied to you." That was true. Even Rona's mother had lied to her on occasion, if she'd thought it for the best. Even if she had her secrets, every word out of Aspen's mouth was true. "I'm sorry that the truth sometimes hurts. I hate it when you hurt. But if Ashe thinks he loves you, at least you know that someone really did."

Who, though? What good was that without a face or a name? "Does he still love me?"

"Always."

"Then why am I with Ashe instead of him?"

Aspen sighed, swaying, green eyes to the still waters of the pond. Such beautiful eyes. Sometimes, when Ashe was just looking at her as he often did, she'd look back and convince herself that all she could see were his pretty peridot eyes and she didn't miss Aspen so much, and for a few seconds, everything would be right in the world. She wondered if she'd ever have that moment again.

"Because Ashe was physically capable of entering and winning the tournament. His template was not. Nor would you have found his template sexually appealing, and even if you had, his template could not have given you children; you always did want five of them."

"Three girls," Rona confirmed, defeated. "Two boys. Preferably girl-boy-girl-boy-girl." Had these been her real eyes, she would have cried. "And we were on the right track, too!"

"You are on the right track." Aspen took her hand again. It occurred to Rona that she hadn't noticed her letting go the first time. "You can still have your girl-boy-girl. He may not have a heart, but he does have... you know. Other things."

But how could she want his other things near her again if any of this was true? "But his... his template..."

"...wanted you to have someone who could give you your girl-boy-girl. All Ashe's template ever wanted was for you to be happy, and that's why Ashe exists. His template never would have had a chance. Ashe is the next best thing." Next best. All her hopeless years as a love-starved girl, all her bitter months as a woman scorned, and she'd finally thought she was happy. She'd thought she had the best. Why should she settle for the next best? "Don't be upset. Again, I'm sorry about all of this. Do you want to just sit for a while? Sit, and talk about nothing like we used to?"

Rona nodded. She doubted all the nothings in the world could clear her head, but she didn't want another word of this. Truth did worse than hurt.

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