In Which Lonriad Kicks the Memory

August 13, 1181

"All right, I get that you have no qualms about making me uncomfortable," Ashe muttered, head turned slightly as Lonriad returned to the room. "But what did the people downstairs do to deserve the sight of you half-naked?"

"They've been fine upstanding citizens, that's what. Plus a body like this ought to be seen." Lonriad gave an obvious flex of his back as he kicked the door shut. "You, though, might want to rethink that shirt. The last thing I want to wake up to is the stench of your sweat."

"And I'm not keen on waking to the sight of your shameless bare torso. The shirt stays."

"Oh, first you won't go to the brothel with me, and now you won't take your shirt off. Training to be a nun?" He regretted the jibe as soon as he made it. Who knew what Ashe was planning to do if Rona didn't take him back.

But Ashe must have been burnt out for the night, as all he did was shift his face toward the empty hearth. "I take it you think you're clever."

"And where would you get that impression?" He crossed the room and collapsed onto the floor by the foot of the bed, some feet away from his friend but probably as close as he could get. "All I've been doing this whole trip is trying to cheer you up. I can't even keep an eye on my little sister with you here; if you listen hard enough, you can hear her having sex in the next room." The next inn, he'd be requesting a room on a separate floor.

"Your sister has four kids. It's nothing she hasn't done before."

"Not the point." He tapped a foot against the floor, rather audibly. Ashe didn't so much as blink. Lonriad supposed it was no surprise if he hadn't heard. "The point is, you're all mopey. Even for you. And I get that, but that's still your problem. That's always been your problem. You just take whatever the world throws at you and mope around about it."

"And if you're trying to make me feel better, then stop it. You're doing a horrible job." Ashe slumped forward, hands sliding along his thighs until his forearms grazed his knees. Not like anyone else was about to do a better job. "Lonriad?"

"Yes?"

"What if Rona's right?" Shit. He'd hoped that wouldn't come up. "I mean... not like I'd know the difference. Maybe I am just some deficient duplicate."

"You're not a deficient duplicate. The main thing was feelings, right?" A nod. "Well, no offense, but it's pretty obvious that you have feelings. She'll figure that out soon enough."

"But what if she's right and they're not real feelings? What if everything I feel is just a watered-down version of what Aspen would have felt?" What if it was? As far as Lonriad was concerned, Aspen's watered-down feelings were twice the feelings most could handle. "Am I a horrible person? Should I have just told Lorn to leave her be? She would have found someone else. Someone who could love her properly."

"Don't be stupid. You do love her properly." Lonriad slid over and grabbed Ashe by the arm, then pulled himself to his feet and his friend along with him. "And you do have feelings. Real feelings."

"How would you know?"

"What reason do I have to think otherwise?" Not that that was ever enough for Ashe. It was a lucky thing that Lonriad had more. "Do you remember the feelings you had before? Back when you were Aspen?"

Ashe shrugged. "If I ever really was Aspen."

"Yes, but you'd still remember, right?" Silence. It took a couple seconds of an intense stare to finally bring forth that nod. "How do your feelings then compare to your feelings now? They don't feel any weaker, do they?"

Another lull. But at last-- "No."

"Then how could they be watered-down? See, you do have feelings--real feelings," Lonriad had to add once again. "Even if she's somehow right about everything else, she's wrong about that."

"But why would she tell herself that?"

"Why do I tell myself that my handsome steward is fat and balding and my wife hasn't checked out his ass once?" Not even a snicker. If he could get one laugh out of Ashe this trip, he'd consider it a success. "Maybe it's just easier for her if she believes you don't love her."

"How would that be easier?"

How indeed. "Some people don't like to risk disappointment. Rona had plenty of that before you showed up."

"And even more after." Ashe sighed, shoulders falling, neck following, mane of red hair swaying to one side as a harbinger of a resigned slump. "I'm never going to be able to make her happy, am I?"

If he thought that, then he'd forgotten what happy was. Maybe Rona had too.

But sometimes, all the memory needed was a swift kick at the right moment. "Should I remind you what you wished for?"

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