In Which Severin Is at the Mercy of the Threat of Diapers

September 12, 1183

It was about damn time for some peace and quiet.

With Severin's sister-in-law about to give birth any day now, the household had been cast into a state of constant chaos that had nearly resulted in his seeking refuge at the home of a friend--or would have, if Severin had been the sort of person who bothered making friends. His mother waddled about with the start of her own baby (why so many bloody babies?) sticking out of her, only fretting over Esela's comfort until Hamrick or his father or usually Esela herself reminded her that she needed to rest too.

Add that to Falidor's frustration with his first taste of neglect, and Aldhein's resultant whining over why Falidor wouldn't leave him alone... Evera and Setran's frequent visits with their noisy brood... Alyssin and Aidric and their babies... Podrag and Ceira and their baby... Ellie and Medur (and thank God, no babies! ...yet)...

He supposed he loved his big, annoying family. Even the damn babies, maybe. But surely he could love them better from a distance? He had half a mind to see if he could start at the university a few years early. No sense delaying the whole grouchy bachelor hermit lifestyle that had been his future since they'd forced him to share a crib with his twin sister and he'd kept the whole house up with his audible displeasure.

But for now, finally, there was a quiet moment in which to practice that sacred art of solitude--whether the family had calmed down, or he'd simply learned to tune everything out. It helped that his father was still at work, and Hamrick was out in the fields. And there was a new doctor in the nearest village, so of course his mother had pestered Teodrin into going to see him about whatever-the-fuck-it-was-Teodrin-kept-going-to-doctors-for-even-though-obviously-none-were-helpful. Not that Teodrin tended to contribute much to the noise. Even when they were both in their shared bedroom, Severin barely noticed he was there.

His mother's knock, however, was not so prone to invisibility. "Severin? I'm sorry to disrupt your reading, but Esela's having the baby. I need you to watch your nieces until your father gets home."

And nor was her voice. God damn it. "Can't Alina do it?" Alina actually liked kids!

"I promised Alina that she could attend the birth; she and Evera are with Esela right now." Of course they were. "And before you ask, I sent Hamrick to get your father, and Setran to get Lady Arydath."

Of course she had. Sometimes, he suspected his mother deliberately left him as the only babysitter because she knew how much he hated it. "Isn't Thetis old enough to be in a room by herself for a while?"

"Yes, but she's not old enough to watch her little sisters." His mother sighed. "Seriously, you get your bum down there right now, or you'll be on diaper duty all week."

And she would make good on that threat; he'd already seen more of Falidor's bare shitty ass than any of his other siblings had been forced to endure. Severin groaned. "Fine."

"Good."

His mother's footsteps hurried back along the hall and down the stairs as Severin put away his book. God, he couldn't wait until school started in January and his family would be obliged to leave him alone while he studied! Maybe he's just live at the school. Or not, since he might get stuck in charge of any snot-nosed brats who got there early.

He shuffled out of his room with his eyes to his feet, only the scarring memories of his youngest brother's excrement pushing him forward. At least Thetis was past that phase, even if she was still too young to be interesting. Was Electra? Alyss, at least, probably wasn't. Damn, if she didn't keep it in until somebody else could deal with it...

"Uncle Severin!"

Thetis would meet him at the bottom of the stairs. "Uncle Severin, guess what? Guess what?"

His honest answer would have been 'I don't care'. He compromised with "What?"

"Papa paid my school fees today! That means I get to go to school with you!"

He wasn't sure why his nieces liked him so much. He never tried to be nice. "Well, not the same class..." Thank God.

"Still! I'll see you at breaks! And you can walk with me!" That last bit had probably been his mother's suggestion, as if it wasn't bad enough being stuck walking with Aldhein already.

"Uh-huh. Any idea when your father will be back?"

"I don't know." Was that a surprise? Thetis rocked back and forth on the balls of her feet, as she often did; behind her, her even more annoying little sisters munched on Falidor's dolls. At least Falidor himself was down for a nap. Knowing Severin's luck, though, he'd wake within the hour. "How far away is Lady Arydath?"

Severin sighed. "Too far."

His niece laughed. "You're funny, Uncle Severin."

"Not funny. Just pissed off."

"What's 'pissed' mean?"

...shit. "If anyone asks, it's a word Uncle Podrag taught you."

"All right. But what does it mean?"

"It means that I'm supposed to sit down here until your father and grandfather get back." Given the context, he supposed it was true enough. Severin didn't like to lie to his nieces. Kids might have been so much more tolerable if only adults didn't insist on lying to them all the time--not fully, but more. "So, what do you want to do?"

He regretted asking immediately. "I want to play lady's maid!"

And here he thought he got credit for bracing himself to play horsie. "Do you even know what a lady's maid does?"

"Uh-huh. They dress up their ladies and do their hair and stuff. Auntie Ellie told me." Then why couldn't her father have told her more about being a knight? Severin hated playing knights, but at least Aldhein had gotten him used to it. "So I'll be Auntie Ellie, and you can be Lady Rona!"

Years later, Severin would look back on this moment and consider it a marvel that he didn't teach Thetis yet another swearword--and not one so mild as 'pissed'. "Can't I be a guard or something?"

"No!" She grabbed him by the wrist and dragged him toward the couches. That did it. If he so much as saw another diaper before he headed off to university, then he was breaking the news to his mother that she wouldn't be getting any grandchildren out of him. "Now come along, milady! We need to get you all dolled up for the banquet!"

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