In Which Jadin Is Still Where He Started

May 2, 1182

As a rule, Sparron did not care for 'talk'. He never had, not once in all the time Jadin had known him--which was, barring perhaps up to the first week, Jadin's entire life. That had always suited Jadin just fine, as Jadin was not one to 'talk' either, not in that sense of the term; he'd always preferred doing things, and when they'd been children, Sparron had been content to follow along.

Now that they were men, the odd uncomfortable conversation besides, their companionship was generally of the quieter variety, the occasional murmur of "Good shot" on the archery range, a joke or two over drinks at the inn. Not that they avoided noise altogether, but any volume they caused would have been the typical rowdiness of men their age--if there was no need, no, they did not 'talk'.

Today, though... Jadin needed to talk to someone, and for whatever bizarre reason, Sparron had seemed the right choice of listener, and though it may have been killing him, Sparron didn't protest. "What's wrong?"

"I need advice." Non-specific, Jadin realized, but he wanted to state his intentions first. Sparron usually assumed himself to be the subject of serious talks, so framing the situation as someone else's problem was always the ideal first step.

"All right. Yes--I think you should shave your mustache."

"Funny." Jadin sat down, not laughing. "It's Xeta. She hasn't really been herself since Celina was born. Or after any of our kids were born, for that matter. It's like... I don't know. Like she's trying to fill a void and none of them were enough for her." Though for the love of all that was good in the world, he hoped he was wrong there. His own mother had gone through a similar anguish and it was that gnawing gap known only to her that had led to her death. "After Prior was born, did Camaline--?"

"No." Jadin flinched. Sparron's answer was a little quick for comfort, but it didn't take long for him to realize just what he'd implied. It never did. "I mean... no, Camaline never went through anything like that, but I don't think it's abnormal? Holladrin wasn't at her best after Thallie was born, and I think Renata said Searle and the triplets were difficult for her. Not that it's not a problem, but it's nothing Xeta ought to be ashamed of. I imagine pregnancy is damn stressful."

"Yes, Arydath said that too." After she'd scolded him for coming on another's behalf, that was. But how was he supposed to help if he didn't even know what was going on? "But she said that Xeta needed to see the problem first, before she or anyone else could do anything. And I think Xeta does see the problem, but she's too proud to admit to it--she's sort of like you that way."

"Sort of like me." Mouth a straight segment of dissent, Sparron blew any logic from those words upon the repition. It was little things like this, why Jadin had been both shocked and unsurprised to think Sparron was the best choice for this conversation. "Jadin, I have it easy. My problems are my own business, as Xeta's are hers, but I'm lucky in the sense that mine can stay my business. Women generally don't have that luxury."

...huh? "What do you mean?"

"I mean that men can really be almost anything, at least as people. And if you're a man, and you don't like your lot in life, you don't have to be shy about it. Women, though..." He sighed, right hand flying to his left to twist his wedding band. Sparron did not love Camaline, not in that way, and Jadin didn't doubt that the non-romance was mutual, but a lack of love did not mean a lack of care. "Well, women are supposed to be good little wives, or good little virgins, or good little nuns--and they're supposed to be happy about that, because not being happy means you're having contrary thoughts, and apparently women aren't supposed to have those."

"But women do have thoughts!" Women like Xeta especially! "Xeta's ten times as clever as I am, easily!"

"We both know that, and everyone else who knows Xeta knows that. I should hope that Xeta knows it too, and I doubt she was raised to believe such stupidity, but that doesn't mean that attitudes like that can't hold her back. She still has to put up with idiots who believe that, and idiots like that hold more sway than they should. If she can't feel that she can be open about her condition, then she'll be coping however she can on her own."

"Like by trying to conceive again so soon?" He'd scarcely had a chance to hold his new daughter when his wife had started making suggestions. It may have been the first time in Jadin's life that he'd ever turned down sex. "I mean, she's clearly miserable, but..."

"But that's it. Good little wives aren't supposed to feel miserable after doing their 'duty', so she can pretend to be a good little wife by so eagerly doing that duty again, consciously or otherwise." Duty. What a stupid concept, in that regard. Wasn't any person's duty to his or her own self first? How could they do any duties to others if they couldn't take care of themselves? "I know that you don't think that, but some part of her might fear that you do. This sort of thing causes more problems than most want to admit."

"So what do you think I should do?"

His friend only shook his head. "Just... be there for her, I guess. But I don't know how else you can help her right now."

So he was still where he'd started--not knowing. Or not knowing, but with a newfound knowledge of why he didn't know. He couldn't decide whether or not that made it better. Or if maybe there was anyone else who could help make sense of it all.

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