July 12, 2010

In Which Rudolphus Sees Whom He Loves More

September 16, 1167

Though Raia had assured them that Severin had known to expect them, Rudolphus wasn't quite convinced. His brother looked far less like a man confronted with heralded company than a man who had simply lost his ability to be surprised. The Lord God and the Devil himself could have danced in together like fellow barflies and Severin would not have blinked.

But now that he thought about it, he had been expecting worse. At least Severin actually seemed to have been attending to some business, which was an improvement--from what he'd heard, the older children had been forced to pick up much of his slack over the past few months.

"Son," Lonriad addressed him as he closed the door behind him. Following his lead, Rudolphus locked eyes with his brother and nodded. Their father had lectured him incessantly over the course of their journey--"Don't mention anything about Alina being your betrothed!" this and "You'd damn well better be nice to your brother!" that--and the last thing he needed was an after-the-fact lashing that lasted the entire return trip.

It wasn't as if he wanted to be here. The woman he'd longed for all these years was dead, and he'd been dragged along to pay his respects and give his sympathies to her husband, who happened to be his little bastard half-brother. He would have almost preferred to be home with his hideous shrew of a wife, and his bawling little drip of a son, and the daughter to whom he had to lie through the teeth every time she asked him if she was pretty. No matter what else lurked at home, he would not have been in the presence of a ghost.

Severin pulled himself from the desk chair and made his way toward Rudolphus and Lonriad. For a second, he looked to be attempting a polite smile, but the weight of it proved too heavy for his tired, listless lips. "Father. Brother."

Before arriving here, Rudolphus had decided that he blamed Severin for Alina's death. And really, who could argue with that? After all, had it not been Severin's spawn the killed her? And even if it hadn't, had he not been the one to drag her away from Rudolphus and into this godforsaken valley in the first place? By no logical means was there anyone else who could have been responsible. Now, however, he was beginning to have second thoughts. Babies were dangerous things, after all, as was the case with love.

He looked away as their father embraced Severin, muttering trivial little comforts that might as well have been comments about the weather; if Severin was vulnerable enough to let Lonriad touch him, then he probably would have wanted the privacy, if only so no one could remind him of the hug afterwards. How did he do it? The more Severin pulled away, the more their father longed for him--meanwhile, Rudolphus had been there all along, but had never been enough. Lonriad loved Severin more... Alina had loved Severin more...

How was it that a half-pagan bastard had it all? A father who agonized over his approval, and a beautiful, loving wife. The dark, brooding good looks... the tall stature... the ability to actually grow facial hair...

Seeing Severin step back into his peripheral vision, Rudolphus turned back to his father--not that Lonriad was looking at him. "Severin, I'm so sorry."

Severin briefly looked away before muttering his reply; he seemed disappointed when the right words didn't appear in front of his eyes. "Father..."

"Look, if you need some time away from home," Lonriad offered, his hand outstretched as only Severin could make it, "you and the children are more than welcome to come back to Luperia with us."

Well, they certainly hadn't talked that over; to Rudolphus's relief, however, Severin shook his head. "The people need me here."

"You're distracted, though," their father pointed out. "It would be better for everyone if you took a little time to just clear your head."

"I don't know. Some people would probably rather I stay put."

He'd been looking at Rudolphus when he'd said it, the look in those brown eyes spelling out all he needed to know.

Rudolphus did not hate Severin. He was jealous of him, and perhaps a little resentful as well, he could admit it--but he did not hate his brother. Even if their father did love Severin more, he was still the tiny little baby who used to lie on the floor while Rudolphus dangled toys in front of his eyes. Even if Alina had chosen him, he was still the four-year-old who would crawl into Rudolphus's bed whenever he'd woken from a nightmare. Even if he was tall, dark, and handsome, he was still his brother--and after all this time, it finally occurred to Rudolphus just what that meant.

He'd always loved Severin, and he'd loved Alina--he had not been wrong about that. His mistake had been in incorrectly guessing whom he loved more.

"Severin?" His brother stepped around and met him with a frown. Perhaps he hadn't been expecting to hear anything from Rudolphus; perhaps he'd thought he'd hear something cruel. Rudolphus himself didn't know what to say in the first place. He simply pulled his brother into a tight hug for the first time in a quarter-century and began to gently rub his back, just as he had when they were small children.

"I'm sorry for your loss. Nobody could have loved her like you do."

NEXT CHAPTER:

12 comments:

Van said...

Sorry if this chapter was a bit scattered. Long story short, I've been working pretty much non-stop all weekend and I'm dead tired, but I promised myself I'd have this chapter up before I went to bed.

And now I'm going to bed. Extras will be up... at some point. Some time tomorrow, but possibly not until near the end of the night.

Phoenix said...

Oh maaaan!! That right there...wow!! Rudolphus started out with me disliking him but at the end I warmed up to him a little. He had a break through...hopefully through their budding friendship Severin can gain a little peace of mind!:(

Anonymous said...

Oooh! Oh, how sad!

But it's great that Rudolphus was able to get his head out for five minutes and realize how his poor brother was hurting. Severin already blames himself, he didn't need Rudolphus blaming him ... and since Rudolphus doesn't blame him (obviously, to his face) then maybe Severin can stop blaming himself.

I begin to see what you mean about not knowing what would happen in your story if Alina had remained alive. Her death has already had a lot of ripple effects and it's only been a few months.

Van said...

Phoenix: Rudolphus wasn't the most likable of guys at the start of this post--hell, the man was thinking about how repulsive his own kids were.

But he's not a bad person, per se... just kind of selfish. He does have his moments :)

Morgaine: It is a relief that Rudolphus doesn't blame him. I think given their history, Severin figured he would. It might cause him to stop blaming himself... or maybe not :(

Yeah, with the exception of the last Camaline/Aydelle chapter, her death has played a role in every post since. I really don't know what might have happened otherwise--no idea :S

S.B. said...

It's interesting that you seem to experience the same things we do: one event, or one character' response to another character, can send things galloping off in a totally unexpected direction!

Rudolphus came off as a judgmental prick at first, but he definitely changed. Severin can use someone in his corner.

Van said...

It happens in real life too. It's interesting--and perhaps bittersweet at times--to think about things you might have done differently in the past, and how they might have changed everything since.

Rudolphus is kind of a judgmental prick, but he seems to have found a soft spot here.

Thanks Beth :)

thewynd said...

I sat here listening to Rudolphus feel sorry for himself and wanted to poke him with a sharp object over and over. But he redeemed himself at the end there. Severin needs him.

Van said...

Rudolphus is one of those generally annoying characters who does have his moments. And yeah, Severin needs everyone he can get at this point :(

Verity said...

Ack... you brought tears to my eyes here. I never liked Rudolphus and yet that was such a beautiful realisation to have a and such a beautiful thing to say.

Van said...

Sorry Verity :(

Rudolphus is, for the most part, something of a jerk, but at least he has the emotional capacity to realize that he's not the one hurting the most here :(

Penelope said...

Oh wow... That was so heartbreaking that by the end, I had forgotten how disgusted I was with Rudolphus at the beginning for the way that he pictured his own wife and children.

Van said...

Rudolphus is an ass, but he is an ass who is occasionally capable of something profound.