June 24, 2010

In Which Severin States What He Doesn't Know

April 10, 1167

Severin didn't understand why they called it heartbreak.

A break, he assumed, would have been sudden, surging, violent. The heart would shatter like a fallen jar, blood rushing from its depths and pooling throughout the body, its pieces still pulsating in rapid beats of shock. It would have been painful--and it would have been quick. After a few days, it would begin to heal, like any other superficial wound. It would take time to recuperate, and brief exercises of like and fondness would be needed regularly before it could ever truly love again, but the pieces would grow back together and the heart would be complete again, all but anew.

But this was different. Over the past few days, Alina's imminent death had taken to gnawing at his heart like a dog with a bone. At times, it only nibbled, while at others, it tore off large chunks and left a mess of fleshy crumbs on the floor, but the fact remained that whatever it devoured was gone forever. It was not a break; it was an amputation.

On the bed, Alina stirred slightly, a ring of blue just visible between her heavily-crusted lashes. "Was that all the children now? I've lost count."

She was trying to make a joke, but his sense of humor had long since been served as an appetizer. He could only stare at her, unblinking, as if his gaze was the only thing keeping her alive. "Yes. That was the last of them."

A labored breath escaping her mouth, she turned her head and attempted to nod. "Will you hold me? I always wanted to die in your arms."

"Please don't say things like that," he urged her in a whisper. Nonetheless, he made his way to the other side of the bed and pulled back the covers; if this truly was his last chance to wrap his arms around her and press her close, he did not think he could forgive himself if he missed it.

"I'm so sorry, Princess," he muttered as he settled himself beside her, slinging his arm around her waist and taking her hand in his.

Alina sighed. "For what? For trying to make me happy? Don't blame yourself for this; it's no one's fault."

"But if I--"

She cut him off with a mere squint. "You're always so keen to change things, Severin, and that's one of the things I love most about you, but you have to understand that... well, there are some things you can't change. People die. I'm going to die, and you're going to die, and everyone else is going to die. And what's the point of changing anything about death, really? There are so many things left to change about life."

She opened her eyes fully for a second, then released her hold on her eyelids as if she suddenly found them too heavy to lift. Severin tried to grant her one last smile, but likewise, his lips seemed too great of a load; at best, they were neutral. "You're so beautiful."

Disbelieving, she sniffed. "Liar. I'm a wreck."

"That's not possible."

Still unconvinced, she allowed her head to loll to the side, following the suit of the rest of her body. Severin edged nearer, desperate to find the right strength with which to grip her--gentle enough not to crush her frail body, but firm enough to keep her with him. "This isn't how it's supposed to be, you know. We were supposed to go together, dying of overexertion after a long bout of disgusting, painful, and mechanically difficult old people sex."

"Well, if you want, you could always die of overexertion after a long bout of disgusting, painful, and mechanically difficult old man masturbation to the memory of me," she offered as a compromise; he couldn't tell whether or not she was trying to be funny. If she was, he still couldn't see why she would.

In any case, he shook his head. "I don't want to be an old man if I don't get to have my old lady by my side."

"I can't see why you'd want to be an old man in any case," she groaned as he pressed a kiss to her shoulder, "but to each their own, I suppose. Anyway, if you look in my jewelry box, I dictated to Celina a list of all the women you're allowed to marry."

The heart-eating monster decided that it had grown bored with nibbling and proceeded to sloppy, chunk-wrenching chomps. "Really... don't say things like that."

She moaned softly as her fingers tensed around his hand. "Don't get married right away, though. Let me have at least half a year or so before you look at that list and pick a name... but if you don't think you can wait that long and have to go fuck around with some prostitute or something, I'll understand. I do know what a long line of satyrs you come from, after all."

It was a jab that would have ordinarily stung, but what remained of his heart had already exceeded its capacity--a little quip at his paternity meant nothing now. "Princess..."

"I have to go soon," she stated. She sounded neither scared nor relieved--she just sounded. "I'm going to turn around, and you're going to kiss me. And you'd better not be crying; I don't want your tears to be the last thing I ever see."

He buried his face in her hair and inhaled; even drenched in the sweat of her body it smelled like cinnamon. "They won't be if you don't go."

Slowly, Alina began to rotate herself, just as she had promised. "Severin... I have to go."

"Don't..." He sighed. In his entire life, there had always been one consistency--one person who had always been a part of it--and her seconds were flitting away like dandelion seeds in the breeze, never to be seen again. "I don't know how to live without you."

She struggled through the final degrees, but at last they were face to face. She looked as young as the night he had married her; she looked more alive than he felt. "You'll be fine. You always... were a fast learner."

Why was she so blase about this? How had she managed to come to terms with it so quickly? She'd done in three days what he didn't think he could do in a lifetime. If anyone had ever said she wasn't the stronger of the two of them, they couldn't have been more wrong if they'd claimed that grass was red. "Princess..."

"Look, are you going to kiss me or not?"

He did. He kissed her for minutes, hours... he kissed her for longer than he could have kept track, longer than he ever had before. He didn't stop until it dawned on him that there was no longer anyone kissing him back.

NEXT CHAPTER:

16 comments:

Phoenix said...

Oh that was both heartbreaking and heartbreakingly beautiful. I actually have tears in my eyes Van! Gah! I never thought that she would die...not so soon at least. *sigh* But she was right. Everyone dies.

You've really outdone yourself with this chapter Van.

And who cares if I was talking your blog for this update okay??!:P

Van said...

I was just about to say, that was fast O_o

Thanks Phoenix. I'm still rather in shock after writing this chapter. I half-expected that I'd chicken out and boot up the game to go add some last-minute pictures of Tavrin and save her. I doubt I'll be sleeping well tonight.

But really... Alina's death has been in the cards for a very, very long time. It's gotten to the point where I'm having a lot of difficulty imagining what the future of Naroni might look like if she was still alive :(

Anonymous said...

*sobs into her cereal*

That was so beautiful, and so tragic. Just so tragic. And whenever I think of Severin's face in that second picture I start crying all over again.

Well done, Van. At least you let her go out the way she would have wanted to.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go cry some more ...

(PS: Don't feel bad about the crying. I cry at anything. Seriously, I cried at just about every play I saw in undergrad that wasn't a straight-up comedy. Or Sweeney Todd.)

thewynd said...

I have never used the words beautiful and death in the same sentence before but I have to say that this was incredibly beautiful. Heartbreaking and agonizing but wonderfully written. I am literally weeping and it is pretty embarrassing since I am at work...

Van you did the right thing by sticking to your story line as much as it may not have been the popular thing to do. From Severin's helpless grief to Alina's strength at the end this was an incredible piece of writing. It was some of your best.

Van said...

Sorry all :(

Morgaine: I think that expression was a combination of Sad + Fear on the modeling hack (not quite sure, but if I remember correctly). All I know is that I ended up using the same combination on Jadin at one point in the next chapter (d'oh!).

But yeah, she did go out in one of the ways she would have preferred. Still though... :(

Thanks.

Gayl: At work? Ah! Sorry :(

Thanks. It's true that I have no idea how the story would have proceeded if she lived. She'll end up playing a role in death that will ultimately impact a lot of things.

Penelope said...

Absolutely stunning, Van. And I am so worried for Severin from here on out. I feel like if the tables were turned, Alina might have been able to move on from Severin's death but not Severin from hers. He may never stop blaming himself. It's too horrible.

Van said...

Thanks Pen. Interesting point about how Alina might have reacted--that was sort of touched on in this post. But yeah, I don't know if he'll ever truly move on. If he's lucky, he might end up like Celina--still hopelessly in love with his first spouse, but eventually willing to take a chance with someone else. I can't see that happening any time soon, though. He's going to need some time on his own.

Keri said...

Well damnit...I picked the worst post to be caught up on. I'm going to go back a bit and read some hilarious Florian post so I feel better. Damnit...

On another note, extremely well written. You've got some serious talent. I LOVE this story.

But just a small request...please please please stop killing off my favorite characters! lol

Keri said...

Is that Jadin in the next post?

Van said...

Sorry about that. My timing wasn't great here :(

Thanks, Keri. Glad you're enjoying the story so far :)

About all the character deaths... a while ago, I rolled up random death dates for all of my characters, just to make planning a little easier for me. Unfortunately, some inevitably ended up dying young, and some deaths were relatively close together :(

Fortunately, I don't think the next major character death is until 1171 (and it's someone that I don't think will be particularly missed). Someone we know is going to die in 1168, and I know I'll be sad to see this person go, but it isn't a "main" character (or at least, as main as characters ever get in this story).

Yep, that would be Jadin in the preview.

Whymustallthegoodonesbetaken said...

*BAWL SOB SNIFF!

That was the most tremendously heartwrenching post yet!

Van said...

Sorry Whymust :(

Verity said...

I'm also sobbing into my cereal Van! This was so beautiful and yet so dreadfully dreadfully sad.

I can't believe she's really gone :(. Stupid random death list (all though, seriously awesome of you to stick to it even in the face of this! I'm sure it will make the story more interesting). But oh... the harshness of the evil death list :)

Van said...

Thanks Verity.

Yeah, the death dates can be rather evil, but at least they give planning time. Maybe a little too much--I'm having trouble imagining what might be going on in Naroni over the course of the next few years had she lived :S

Anonymous said...

*sobs*
That was way to much for a monday evening. Poor Severin.
*sobs more*

Van said...

Sorry chene :(