In Which Tivie Admits Her Expectations

March 16, 1180

"Still awake?"

Neilor stiffened in surprise, luckily not quite enough to disturb the fire. Tivie abandoned her caution on the last couple stairs and stepped towards him. She hardly considered herself a subtle girl, but she'd always had a certain talent for sneaking--a particularly useful one on this night of all nights, as her bed in the loft had required her passing through her father and stepmother's bedroom.

"Landus is snoring." As if to prove it, a snore rang through the guest room. The sound of it was hardly proportionate to a twelve-year-old body, but she supposed they all had their hidden talents. "You, uh... you don't sound as angry as I thought you would."

Tivie frowned. In truth, she'd expected herself to be a little more angry too. "I don't know. Now that I've actually seen him, it's a bit difficult."

"Hmm?" Neilor abandoned the fire and joined her in front of the couch, brows knotted. She supposed she didn't blame him for being confused, maybe even a little upset. Perhaps to him the journey had been pointless if not for the emotional stakes. "Really? Don't you see him there, all awkward and stiff and hardly bothering to make an effort?"

"I know. That's it, though; he's pathetic."

Neilor snorted. "Well, yes, but--"

"But that's it. It's like..." Tivie trailed off, but not so much in search of words as to be sure that he was listening. "I expected this cruel, all-powerful, larger-than-life man, but I look at him and he's just... not. He's so small and weak--on the inside, I mean. And he would have been smaller and weaker then. I doubt he could handle himself back then, much less my mother and I."

"So you think he left for your sake."

"No." No, that would have required more thought than she was ready to give him credit for. But he could be thoughtless. He had to be thoughtless. If he wasn't deliberately cruel, then he must have been at least that. "I think he left for himself, but maybe it was for the best anyway. Nythran is an excellent father to me."

"And your mother has been excellent as well."

Tivie nodded. For all she might have been annoyed with her mother for keeping so much to herself, her decisions hadn't been without good intentions. She would forgive her. She had forgiven her, really. It was just a shame that she'd had to. "I guess you were right. I didn't really want to chew him out or drag him back or anything. I just needed to see him, just for the closure. And it does hurt, but sort of like a salve, you know? It stings, but that's how you know it can heal you."

"That's a good way of putting it." From the guest room came another of Landus's snores. Neilor glanced to the door with a vexed sort of fondness and sighed. "Landus is still so young. I hope he ends up more like you than he does like me."

The fire cracked and she thought she heard her mind along with it. Of all the stupid things to say. "Any kid could do much worse than ending up like you."

"Try telling that to my colleagues." He gave a small laugh for some private, self-deprecating joke that she failed to find funny. "The thing is, you and me, and Landus... we all have a shitty parent. I blame my shitty parent for everything, and I'll probably always blame her for everything, but do I actually have the guts to tell her that? No. I just accummulate all this anger and take out my frustrations on the world like a coward.

"You, though... you actually tried to get to the bottom of things. You came here to see your father, to get some answers, and you don't really blame him so much as you pity him. And you're not angry. It takes strength to stop being angry. I just hope Landus has that strength too."

Landus did. Not that it was Landus who worried her right now.

"I think you're stronger than you know."

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