May 15, 1179
In the early days of their marriage, Searle had talked and talked and talked until Lettie was about ready to stuff her ears with balled-up wads from whatever scroll she'd had in front of her, but since Alina and Prior's birth, it had been difficult to get a word out of him--and often when she tried, he'd just mumble something before eventually getting up to leave. He was less than a shell of himself. He was broken.
Sparron had scarcely left his own castle since taking Prior, and Searle had not dared visit, but Lettie had. She could understand that Sparron wanted to keep his distance, but it left Searle feeling outright loathed, and if Sparron loathed Searle, it might as well have been that everyone else did too.And hell, maybe it was sort of her as well. She'd let him back into her bed a couple months back, but beyond her own sexual satisfaction, it hadn't made much of a difference. But there was no sense in feeling guilty over it. If she wasn't Sparron, that was hardly her fault.
"I think I might head down to the inn soon."
And it was hardly a crime and she was tired of being punished. She pried herself off the couch cushions and stared at him. He wouldn't even look at her. "Would it kill you to stay in one night? The children must forget what you look like.""Someone needs to make sure the men don't overdo it."
Hmph. That explained why he'd only come home one night the week before because his brothers had gone out of their way to carry him. He never used to be much of a drinker, always home well before she thought of retiring, his steps never even tipsy, but that was an era ago. If anyone loathed Searle, it was Searle. "Isidro's responsible. So are Lonriad and Ashe and Garrett." Hell, these days, so were Jadin and Bernardo. "Odds are that at least one of them will be there; let them handle it."
Searle flinched--and for once in her life, Lettie didn't think she cared why. There wasn't much that didn't set him off anymore, and it was exhausting to ponder everything. "What if they're not?""Then Seoth kicks everyone out early. Or maybe Florian sets the place on fire and they have no choice but to head home. Your friends can go a night without you."
It occurred to her as the last word sounded that it had been the wrong thing to say. "Sorry--""No. You're right. They don't need me." He drummed his fingers over his knee, a defeated sigh ringing over the rhythm. "No one does."
Or perhaps it had been just what was needed. "Don't be stupid. You have three kids, you know."
"Yes, three kids who will grow up and occupy themselves and lead lives of their own. They don't want to lead mine."So that was it. His life was too vast and frightening a prospect to be his alone. He'd tried to make it Sparron's and Sparron wouldn't have it and Searle had yet to find someone who would.
And Lettie couldn't help him. Lives lay like threads, knotted and braided and tangled together. They entwined and overlapped. Never did they merge.NEXT CHAPTER:
8 comments:
I felt that something was needed on this front for the sake of later developments. You can probably tell that I was a bit undecided as to what that something was :S
But the chapter was already a day late, so I figured I'd better just get it done. Naroni is an exercise in first drafts :P
"Lives lay like threads, knotted and braided and tangled together. They entwined and overlapped. Never did they merge."
Awesome line, I read it out to my mum and she said it was very true and wise :)
Lettie dropped the ball here. He started to open up, and she just cringed away. I don't think that I would have expected more of her. To really talk this out with Searle would not have been in keeping with her personality, or even her level of maturity. Then there's Searle who is somewhat rejecting his children because they offer him no guiding support. (In fact, that would be a huge role reversal if they did. It's not just a matter of his kids not wanting to steer his life, they are incapable of doing it and moreover, he shouldn't want them to.) I have a problem with that desire, because at this stage in his children's lives, his motivator shouldn't be what they can do for him. He should be devoting his energy to their needs. Maybe Lettie will think about this conversation later and get really angry. I don't know. I would. If Searle can't step up to the plate for his family right now, then he is useless and should just go home to his daddy. He can't rely on someone as unreliable as Sparron. Even if things were different, Sparron has a fairly short sell-by date stamped on his forehead. And other than Searle's family needing him to get over it, Searle needs to develop some resiliency for himself. He just can't go through life like that. I guess the good news is that he's very young.
Pen, you have a really good point about the kids. While Searle is right that they're going to grow up someday, they sure aren't grown up now. I mean, Prior and Alina aren't even a year old yet, right? (Right?) Searle should be focusing on their needs, and what they need is a daddy who will take care of them.
They don't need a daddy who has be carried home by Jadin (!!!) if he's going to get home from the bar at all.
But I wish Searle would talk to somebody about this, because I don't think he can handle the breakup from Sparron alone. Maybe Lettie isn't the right person to be talking to. Maybe he should have a chat with his dad -- Severin survived Alina DYING, so he might have a few pertinent words of advice. (Actually now that I think of it, Searle kind of is acting like Severin did when Alina died, isn't he?)
*fingers crossed for Lettie, Searle, and the kids*
LOL, I didn't even think about that! Being carried home by Jadin really is the drunk leading the drunk.
EkhoGirl: Thanks! :)
Pen: On some levels, I think Lettie is terrified of emotions in the same way Searle is terrified of reality. They're an odd pair. There are not many other women he could have married who would have been okay with his relationship with Sparron, but beyond that they are not very suited to each other and I think they're both starting to realize that, if only on a subconscious level.
It would be completely irrational for Searle to expect his kids to guide him through life. I think the eldest is four, and the youngest isn't even a year yet. That just can't happen. If Lettie gets angry about it later, I think she would be justified in that.
If there's one thing Searle needs, it's to become his own person. He seems to view himself only in the context of others (read: Sparron) and now that the connection is gone, he seems to be at a loss.
Morgaine: Yeah, Alina's not going to be a year old until July (and neither is Prior, but Searle isn't responsible for him). Plus, unbeknownst to everyone at this point, Lettie is about four days pregnant. Those kids are going to need a father.
Searle probably should talk to his dad about it. He is kind of acting like Severin post-Alina, although at least Severin's kids were of an age where they didn't need constant parental attention (I think Vera was six-ish when Alina died? And in any case, Raia and Jadin were old enough to look after the others for a while if need be). But Searle does have Lettie to look after the kids if he wanted to move back in with Severin until he found his feet again. His grown siblings are all within a reasonable distance as well if something happens.
"His life was too vast and frightening a prospect to be his alone. He'd tried to make it Sparron's and Sparron wouldn't have it and Searle had yet to find someone who would."
What an incredibly sad state of being. It must be incredibly hard to have so little sense of self and such a great need and desperate dependence on others. Yeah, it sucks that he's neglecting his kids (especially as they're so young), but if that's really how Searle lives his life, he really isn't emotionally equipped for that right now. Poor Searle - I don't think I fully realized just how emotionally damaged he was until this chapter.
Searle does need to find himself somehow. He's only going to get more miserable if he doesn't :(
"Emotionally damaged", sadly, is a pretty apt phrase to describe Searle :S
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