In Which Halford Names and Is Named a Pig

March 21, 1155

As long and hard as Halford thought, inspiration would not come to him. How frustrating this was... only one more to go... so close to being finished... and he could think of nothing. Absolutely nothing.

Oh goddamn it! I've already used Bacon and Pork and Ham... surely there must be another fitting name for a pig out there! Lord knows I only need to name one more...

Then, he noticed the shape of its tail; it reminded him of someone.

"It's curvy!" he exclaimed, suddenly alive with laughter as the image of his wife strolled into his head. "Curvy! I shall call you Curves!"

The pig continued to stare at his boots. Halford interpreted this as the animal being stupid--little did he know that the pig was thinking the exact same thing about him.

Now satisfied with himself, Halford left the pigpen and gazed out at his pond. He had the nicest pond in all of Naroni--the Duke of Armion himself had told him that. He enjoyed having the pond because there were always ducks in it, and pretty pink lilies--of course, he would never admit that to Arydath. But no matter; chances were, she wouldn't even notice the way he appreciated the pond, because he was constantly busy with his pigs.

A cool breeze was beginning to pick up; since he was done his work for the day, Halford decided to go inside. It was a pity to leave the lovely pond for his dump of a house, really, but at least there was a warm fire inside the house.

Ah, much better! he thought to himself as he entered the house and approached the fire. Choosing to warm his backside first, he turned around and faced the door, slowly backing closer to the heat source. He felt the warmth of the fire against the backs of his legs... there was only one thing that could possibly more efficiently warm him...

The door creaked open, then shut, followed by the sound of girlish laughter. Embarrassed, Halford turned his head suddenly, as if the wall was the most interesting thing he had ever seen.

His wife was home, and clearly, he had done something that amused her greatly. "Halford, you great dolt!" she giggled. "What in the blazes are you doing there, sticking your ass in the fire? Were you walking around outside without your pants?"

"Don't be stupid, Arydath," he dismissed, "you know I only walk around inside without my pants."

"Only too well," she teased as she made her way to the porcelain basin and began to scrub her hands. "What was all the fuss about, anyway?"

Arydath sighed. "Oh, you know Goodwife Tumekrin, in in Tetranshire?"

"With the long blond hair?" asked Halford, holding his cold hands to the flames.

"With the long blond hair. Anyway, her husband collapsed in their field this morning, and the baron happened to ride by only a short time later. He carried the boy inside to his bed, then rode all the way out here to fetch me to take a look at him, as anyone but you could probably figure out."

Halford frowned. "So if a man collapses in his field, he goes to his bed for you to take a look at. Maybe I should collapse in the pigpen--then you can take a look at me in my bed."

"It's not funny, you stupid lug!" she snapped at him. "Goodman Tumekrin is very ill! Besides, I don't think even the baron, the duke, and the king together could carry you into bed."

He chuckled. "True. They're all pretty small compared to me, aren't they?"

"Indeed," agreed Arydath. "On the other hand, I wouldn't have too much trouble."

"Ha!" Halford exclaimed. "Don't be stupid, woman--the only person in Naroni smaller than you is the king's baby!"

"True, but I've gotten pretty strong since we got married, with your massive form on top of me every night," she chided. "Anyway, what did you to do today?"

"Named the pigs," he answered promptly. "I named the last one Curves."

"Why in the blazes would you do that?" Arydath demanded.

A mischievous smile forming upon his face, he reached behind her and pinched her behind, causing her to jump almost to his eye level. "Because you won't let me call you that!"

"Well, I may be Curves, but you are the pig!" she scolded him harshly after taking a few quick seconds to regain herself. "Making passes at a woman when her hair is still up!"

Halford stared at her, still smiling slightly. "Will you take it down, then?"

Scowling, Arydath pulled the green scarf out of her hair and flung it across the room. "Happy now?"

He didn't feel the need to answer with words. Instead, he took her hand in his and twirled her around, savoring the scent of her dark cinnamon hair. "Oh, I could eat you for dessert--or an afternoon snack!"

"You vile man," she sighed in reply. "Making passes at a woman while her dress is still on!"

"In that case," Halford begun, dramatically falling onto one knee before her, "oh radiant maiden, I have come to liberate you from the confines of your cloth prison!"

"Oh, Halford, you are a pig!" Arydath exclaimed. "If you weren't, you would realize I'm perfectly capable of liberating myself."

And before he could say anything else to her, the dress was off, hastily thrown to the floor along with the scarf.

Halford grinned. "I see you are capable of liberating yourself."

"I see you are not," she teased him. "Do you need help?"

"I think I can manage."

Scrambling to catch up, he removed his tunic, leggings, and boots, then exchanged a quick glance with Arydath. "Well, now we're just two people standing around naked in our own kitchen."

She grinned. "Perfect."

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