In Which Riona's Plans Are Ruined

WARNING: Not safe for work!!

July 28, 1181

There was little fun to be had in captivity and confinement, or so the beautiful princess of far-off Whereverland had come to learn lo these long days since the castle had been seized. Not that she ought to have thought it might be beforehand, but damsels in distress weren't exactly known for their genius, so of course she'd fancied the romantic tension worthwhile.

"Alas!" she sighed aloud, though she lacked someone--anyone--to hear her. "The only tension here is between my silken, youthful thighs!"

Silence. Mildly annoyed, the princess cleared her throat. "That was your cue."

More silence. "Izzy?"

Nothing. Then--

"This is stupid."

"That's half the point!" Was it? At least, Riona had never heard of a halfway novel-worthy scenario for this sort of thing. But what was wrong with the occasional bout of good stupid fun? "Besides, it's just you and me here. No one will ever know."

"Is that what Hilla told Bernardo before she told you?"

Probably. But Riona knew better than to share her own stories, or at least the true versions. She enjoyed every minute of sex with Isidro, but even if she had nothing but compliments for him bedroom-wise, he had little enough self-esteem without half the country knowing everything they did behind closed doors. "Do you really think I'd do that to you?"

"Riona--"

"Isidro." Full name. She might have won right there. "I didn't tell anyone about that last new thing we tried, did I?"

"Gah! Fine." And yet, the--thankfully otherwise empty--nursery door didn't budge. "Um. How do you want me to do this, exactly?"

"I don't know. Just act like one of the sleazy pricks who ruled the bars during the tournament."

"You want sleazy?"

"No, the princess wants sleazy. I want someone who can ridicule sleazy in a way that seems sexy."

"That's a lot of pressure."

"You think that's pressure? You should see what I'm wearing."

That did it. Leather footsteps crept away, then rushed the door. It opened more suddenly than Isidro had anticipated, given the way he stumbled in, but he seemed to recover in form if not in face. "All right, sleazy. Uh... hello, beautiful. Mind if I set my basilisk loose in your caverns?"

Well, at least he wasn't the only one cringing now.

"...Too sleazy?"

Riona grimaced. "Maybe a little. Why don't you just tell me how you took back my castle?"

"Right. Uh, well... there were guards. And I killed them. And then I killed their leader. Oh, and they had a dragon. I killed that too. The head came off just like a sliver of butter."

"Oh, my!" Riona swooned as he took a step closer. Or, the princess swooned, more like--Riona never swooned. Next time, she saved him. "What an impressive feat of strength! I daresay you must have a natural knack for... swordplay."

"What can I say? I've had plenty of intensive training under the finest masters." He tried to wink and she snickered. "...That came out wrong, didn't it?"

"What's wrong with wrong?" Or... would the princess have noticed that? She had a whole new respect for mummers now. "Never mind, brave warrior. I'm not so naive as to think you saved me for only the most noble of purposes."

"Are all the scenarios Hilla gave you as degrading as this one?"

"Let's just do this, all right?"

"And by 'this', you mean the physical stuff?"

"Naturally."

"Then I agree." He slipped his arm behind her legs and scooped her up, an affectionate nibble to her shoulders and she clung to his neck. They'd have to try this again at some point--see if they could get some more fun out of the interlude--but if it was wrong to want to get to the point, she didn't want to be right. "Where to, your highness? Bed? Couch?"

"Mmm... I was thinking we could start by that bench over there?" She pointed with her toe and he followed. Of course, the prospect of sitting or lying in this thing... "Wait! Put me down here. It's bothering me."

He did as she asked, though not without that 'I told you so' look in his eye. She really ought to have given this particular plot twist more thought. "I can't imagine why."

"Shut up." How had she scripted this in her head, again? "Alas, good hero! There is but one detail I've neglected to mention."

"Oh, really?"

Some emotion might have been nice, but at least it was a fitting enough line. More anxious to get naked than she'd been in her life, Riona pulled off her slip and tossed it across the room, leaving herself with a single, most uncomfortable article of what could only loosely be called 'clothing'.

Isidro, despite having known full well what it was, gawked at the sight of it. "How the hell did you fit that clunky thing under that silk?"

An inordinate amount of time, plus sheer stupid luck. But she wasn't about to say that. "There has been little to do for excitement since my captivity began, good sir. As you can see, I can't even pleasure myself; dressing myself around this device was a means of passing time."

He snorted. "You pleasured yourself last night."

"So did you, remember?" And if they couldn't get the hang of this, perhaps that would have to be the go-to option for alternative methods. "I mean--surely you jest, brave hero. As you can see, that would be quite impossible in my present state."

"As would anything else. So it's a good thing I found--" He fished around for something on his belt, then slipped it between his teeth.

"--this."

Well. That was promising. But... "How did you get that?"

"I told you. I found it."

If we ever do this again, remind me to write an actual script. "How?"

"Who cares?" She glared at him. "All right, uh... the dragon had it. Happy now?"

Riona shrugged. "As happy as I'll ever be--unless you care to try for otherwise?"

He smirked--somehow managing to keep the key in his mouth--and nodded toward the bench. Riona complied; much as this thing hadn't been made for comfort, she got a feeling that the process of removing it would be worth it.

Very worth it. "Huh. Good to know you can take liberties with the story that actually work."

"Can you really feel that much through that thing?" he asked through clenched teeth, the key prodding the metal in a strangely enjoyable manner.

"The vibrations feel..." Oh! She had not been expecting that jab! "Satisfying..."

"Good, because this might take a while. Where's the lock on this thing?"

"A little lower, I think." It wasn't. "Lower... lower... oh, no, a little higher... there!" Yes... yes, that was the spot. Odd, really, how sensitive her skin and only her skin could be. "Yes, just keep doing..."

"Riona?"

"What?"

"Seriously, where's the lock? Whatever you're getting from the metal, I guarantee my tongue can do better."

True enough, she supposed. "Fine. It's nearer to the belt."

"I think I see it..."

The key slipped into position; strangely she could feel that too. It was hardly unpleasant either, certainly not when the turning started. "Izzy..."

"I swear, the outhouse graffiti made this look easier."

"No, take your time--" Click! "Or not."

"There!" He spat the key to the side, then took her by the arms and pulled her up and he stood. She wriggled the open belt off her hips and it slid down the rest of her legs, landing on the floor with a clang!, kick to the side with a careless foot. "So. Should I get right back down there, or shall we proceed a little more slowly?"

"You do probably want to get the taste of all that metal out of your mouth."

"That doesn't answer my question."

Riona snickered. Even if this role-play wasn't as she'd hoped, it was never a bad thing to have a husband who was willing to do that. "Start with the mouth. A little prelude never hurts."

"You got it."

She got the distinct sense that his slacks were no longer a comfortable degree of tightness, so she worked one hand down his side to his belt buckle and helped him out there. The pants fell past his knees, stopping at his boots, shaken aside after he'd kicked them off--

Knock! Knock! Knock! Knock! Knock! Startled, they broke apart as two small pairs of fists banged against the door. "Mama! Papaaaaa!"

An awkward smile doing little to help the situation, Isidro sighed. "Can you two wait? We're a little busy in here."

"But Papaaa!" moaned Alya from the other side of the door. "Balin got out!"

"Damn dog," Riona muttered before peering over Isidro's shoulder toward the door. "He won't get far. Besides, he knows his way home."

"But he was running toward the village." Shahira's pint-sized know-it-all tone wasn't entirely silenced by her worry. "Papa says Balin's not allowed in the village, don't you, Papa?"

Riona bit her lip. He had said that, at least after Balin had stolen that link of sausages. Not that he looked like he cared to stick to that claim. "Well, it'll be easier to find him in the village than--"

"Izzy."

He blinked. Riona took a second to come to terms with what she was about to say, then said it. "You should go get their dog."

Eyes shut, he gave a reluctant nod. It figured, really--just as this was getting to the good part. "You're right. Um... is there any cold water in here?"

Riona stretched her fingers. "I'll exhaust it for you quickly."

"Exhaust what?"

One of these days, they would need a more soundproof door. "Nothing, sweetie! But Papa's going to be a few minutes, all right? We need to get dressed."

"Why? Are you two still in your nightclothes?"

"No, stupid! They're--"

"Yes! Nightclothes!" Isidro hollered back at them. "Definitely nightclothes!"

"And Alya, don't call your sister stupid." Riona tried not to groan. Next time she and Isidro made plans, the kids and the dog would be spending the day with her parents. "Why don't you girls run to the gate and see if you can still see Balin? Papa will meet you there in a few minutes."

"Yes, Mama!" Small, hurried footsteps in the direction of the front door. Finally.

"Umm... we'll resume this tonight, won't we? Just without the ridiculous introduction?"

"Yes, yes." She lowered one hand and flexed it before letting loose her fingers. "But this will have to tide you over for now."

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