In Which Anna Is Refilled

October 7, 1179

"Worked your way through all books in the library, have you?" Adrius folded up the letter he'd been reading and tucked it away with the others before beaming up at her. Anna smiled back, but not without a certain level of discomfort. She hoped she wasn't intruding. This visit would be difficult enough. "You're welcome to any in here as well."

She took a quick glance at the shelf-lined wall for the sake of being polite, but she didn't want to risk disappointing herself. Adrius had a generous heart, but Anna didn't doubt that after this conversation, any bookshelf privileges would be not-unjustly provoked. "Actually, I was kind of hoping that we could talk. You're not busy, are you?"

"No, just pretending to be. Would you believe that my mother decided against yet another wedding tunic?"

Anna forced herself to chuckle. No doubt Devidra would be making drastic, time-consuming changes until the very minute Anna walked down the aisle. Well... if she walked down the aisle, she had to correct her own thought. She got the feeling that wouldn't be happening, though the exasperated amusement in his eyes made it difficult to accept. "I think she's having second thoughts about my gown too."

"One would think we're old enough to choose our own clothes." He stepped around from behind the desk and embraced her, a kiss to the cheek at the hug's pinnacle. It was an inadvisable folly, but nonetheless Anna took what might have been her last chance to run a finger through his soft hair, straightened only under its own weight. He must have had lovely curls as a boy. "Oh well. At least she doesn't have horrible taste."

"No, of course not." Had this been yesterday, she would have made some comparison to Queen Laralita of the garish floors and the over-the-top decor. Today... no. She would not taunt him by mentioning her 'royal mother'. "I do love the gown, but if she does replace it, I'm sure the new one can only be an improvement."

"Yes, well..." He muttered something about 'any gown', 'improved' and 'by good fortune of being worn by you'. Anna felt a blush creep onto her cheek. Adrius did give pretty compliments, even if he never quite managed to get them out. "But that's probably not what you want to talk about?"

She shook her head, but his sunset eyes remained fixed on hers as they moved. This was why she had to do this. Here was a sweet, sensitive young man who'd never done wrong by anyone a day in his life, and here she was, stringing him along, making him believe she was someone she wasn't, that his betrothed was someone she wasn't. He cared about her--who he thought she was--enough that finding out at all would be painful, but finding out by chance would be agony. She--who she really was--cared too much about him to keep deceiving him.

If nothing else, he deserved to know before it was too late and they were already married, never mind what happened to her. She wasn't too worried about that anyway. She was coming forward unprovoked; she'd probably be held here until Mona returned, then quietly dismissed while Devidra swept the ordeal under the rug. "You'll want to sit down for this."

She'd spent the late hours of the night before rehearsing to her bedroom mirror, each rendition of her confession more awkward and clinical than the last. She needn't have bothered. Looking at him made it almost easy, rolling her heart down her sleeve, her feelings translating to words as if born of language. She told him everything--her name, who her parents were, how she'd become Mona's maid, Mona's feelings about the betrothal. She told him how Mona had been handed to Zareth in the bleak outskirts with only her apathetic brother to see her off while the rest of her family slumbered in their feather beds. She told him how she'd woken on the morning of their arrival to see Mona wearing her dress and loudly fussing over 'her highness', how if Zareth had gotten a good look at them the first night, he'd chosen not to comment.

She told him more than that. She told him how she enjoyed being with him, how much she appreciated all they had in common. She told him how she'd never felt for a man the way she felt for him and how it broke her heart to hurt him, but that it was for the best. What she stressed most of all was that she was sorry, that she shouldn't have gone along with Mona's scheme no matter how she rationalized her friend's actions, that he deserved a hell of a lot better than either of them.

"...and at this point, I just want you to have the kind of life you deserve." She let herself meet his eyes again. His expression had changed little throughout her speech, barring some slight relaxation when she'd gone into her feelings for him. He hadn't once interrupted. She almost wished he would, just to break the tension. Just to bring her back to reality. "I don't want you to live a lie."

The last word brought a twitch to her lashes, but she lacked the tears to cry. So many private emotions had flooded out of her in such a short space of time that she now felt numb, hollow. The contents of her soul floated uncontained in the silence and she herself was a void. But perhaps that was for the best. If she could have felt anything, it would have been hurt.

"Anna?"

Adrius stood, face unchanged, posture marked with a confidence she'd never seen in him. Something plucked at her heartstrings as he reached toward her and pushed a lock of hair out of her face. "Umm... I sort of feel like a fool for not telling you sooner, but... I already knew who you were."

It may have been the only thing he could have said that could destroy the nothingness. Her soul had been refilled with alarm, a sharp panic and a strangled horror, and some weight of realized dread. And maybe a fraction of a speck of hope. "How?"

"Mona's letters." He wrapped his arms around her waist and held her close. She felt no trace of the floor beneath her feet. "She always seemed a bit... I don't know. Like the Mona you described, I guess--flighty, restless, all that. Then I met you, and you were nothing like I expected, and I couldn't believe that you and the girl I'd corresponded with were the same person. Then I caught a glimpse of your handwriting while you were taking notes on Plato one day, and all the pieces just sort of fell into place."

The handwriting. For all she was relieved that the plan hadn't been needed, it was good to know that at least one of Mona's assumptions had been founded. "Ah. Well... it's good to know that Mona will have someone clever to keep her grounded."

"Mona?"

It was the first wounded look he'd given her. Why, though? She'd tried not to paint Mona in too unfavorable a light... "She's nice enough when you get to know her. And she's really fun. You'll like her, I promise."

"I'm certain I would." His hand was back in her hair again, combing through the locks, not flinching if a strand broke away. He had a way of smiling that rarely went without a smile in turn. "But she's not you."

Anna's heart thudded away so strongly she feared it might burst. She'd never been a clumsy sort, but she would have fallen back if not for his arms, she could have sworn it. "You mean...?"

"Like I've never meant anything in my life." He kissed her. She could still taste the honey from breakfast on his lips. "I love you. I don't care if you're really a princess or not. I want to be with you."

She could have died a very happy woman had she died just then. But-- "Your mother--"

"Let me worry about my mother." It would be easier said than done. She would worry about Devidra until they'd shoveled the last clump of dirt over her grave. But to think that Adrius was willing to stand up to his mother of her--something she doubted he'd ever done in his life--that was enough to merit at least a nod. "Who knows? She might have already figured it out. She likes you more than Mona anyway, and she might want to make King Roderick look like an idiot. Or she might just see how I feel about you, and... well..."

It was hard to imagine a world in which Devidra of Carvallon was a romantic. For now, though--for Adrius's sake--Anna would give her the benefit of the doubt.

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