September 2, 1171
"You should wear lighter colors more often." Searle's reflection cocked its head to the sighed and beamed. Sparron swallowed; Searle shouldn't have even been here, much less saying anything about his appearance. "They make you look softer, more--" Sparron nearly jumped as an outstretched hand brushed against the small of his back "--touchable."He felt his spine stiffen. Yes, they were alone, and yes, the door was locked, but it wasn't the time. There were people rushing down the corridors, in search of any misplaced flowers or extra ribbons or whatnot, and it wouldn't be long now before someone came along and knocked on the door, telling him to head down to the chapel. "Please don't touch me."
His smile wavering slightly, Searle removed his hand. "If you say so."
Sighing, Sparron turned around and looked the other boy over. Searle was so damn beautiful in that blue silk that he could scarcely bear it--oh, but who was he kidding? It would have been tough enough had boy been wearing a potato sack. "Look, Searle..."
"Do you need help?" Figured; he was about to say something serious and difficult, and here Searle was just doing as he always did, making himself cute. "I could comb through your hair or something, I suppose. I could be your valet for the day if you like.""No." He crossed his arms and tried not to blink. "Searle--"
"Ah, you're right!" Searle's eyes were as wide and blue as ever, putting the sapphire silk of his tunic to sudden shame. Why did he have to make this so painful? "You look fine as it is. Camaline is one lucky girl--you know that, right?"
"Searle!" The force of his voice wiped the grin clear off the younger boy's face. Sparron twitched; he hadn't meant to snap. "Sorry. Anyway, I was thinking that maybe we should take a little break--nothing permanent," he added, noting the wounded look on Searle's face, "just a few months, just with my marriage and all. Camaline and I have an understanding, but I don't want to rouse any suspicion in anyone else."
Searle's mouth fell to a frown, his lips full and pouty and moist. Of all the times for anyone to look so kissable... "But no one's ever suspected anything...""Yes, but if I have a beautiful wife at home and I'm always out on mysterious hunting trips with you, they might." Tense, he scuffed his boot across the floor, leaving a not-so-subtle smear across the polished hardwood; the queen would have his head for it, but that was the least of his concern. "Please don't look at me like that. I'm only doing what I think is best."
Searle sniffed. "I know you are."
"Thank you for understanding, then." He took a second to think ahead, trying to determine what might have been a reasonable time limit. How long had his cousin Valira and her husband been in that newlywed phase? Hell, they were still in the newlywed phase--hell, his parents sometimes slipped back into the newlywed phase. He couldn't have waited that long. "Uh... how does the new year sound?"The other boy shrugged, a deadened glaze on his usually glowing features. "Fine."
"Are you all right?"
Searle swallowed audibly, then leaned forward and hugged him, his fingers lingering a few seconds in Sparron's hair. "I'll survive."Was that a joke? Sparron tried to smile, but it seemed he'd forgotten how difficult it could be. "You'd better."
He gave the other boy a quick pat on the shoulder, then stepped back and allowed himself to relax somewhat. It had been tough--it had been arduous--but at least it had been said. At least they were on the same page.And yet... "You seem quiet."
Searle seemed to fall rigid--something he rarely did. "I don't know."
A small tear sparkled in those clear eyes. Sparron raised his hand to wipe it away--only for Searle to shove him aside and storm off, the door slamming behind him with an all-encompassing thud!.NEXT CHAPTER:
19 comments:
For anyone reading IFV, my excuse can be found here.
Also, now that we're done with the wedding sequence, I put up some pictures of the guests on my LJ. They can be found here.
Although I feel really sorry for these two, something about Searle's reaction bothers me (and I don't mean the tear at the end). He is either astonishingly naive or...ok I don't know what. He pushes past Sparron's comfort level without seeming to care what harm it causes. He's like a little boy who has been told he has to wait to play with his toy and doesn't like it or understand why. Poor Sparron.
I think Searle's naivety is his downfall in some ways. It's like he just wants to spend his life frolicking in meadows without a care in the world and he doesn't understand that the world doesn't work that way, even if they were in a time and place where they could be together freely. In some ways, it's endearing--he's so innocent and has such a pure view of the world--but when the going gets tough, it's got to be pretty frustrating for everyone else, especially someone like Sparron who has to cover Searle's tracks as well as his own :(
Oh, Sparron! My heart just about broke for him. Here he's trying so hard to use his head and his heart at the same time, and it's just. Not. Working.
And Searle too. *sniffle* Poor baby. He's so adorable, offering to be his valet for the day, anything just to keep on touching him. And then Sparron goes and drops a bombshell.
I mean, yes, I fully understand, and given the times, support Sparron's caution. But. He could have totally handled that better. He's young and dumb and in love, so I understand why he didn't handle that better, but this ... was not the time or the way to tell Searle that they needed to take a break. Sparron should have done this earlier, and more gently.
*sigh* That's it. I declare today and tomorrow Free Hug Day! Any fic character who needs one -- Sparron, Searle, Jeda, Camaline, probably Raia, Uallach, Sadb, Lasrua, Aengus, Aed, Gaethine (especially Aed and Gaethine! Why must they both be gay? ;)) -- come 'n get one!
Except Ietrin, Roderick, and Laralita. And Mael Duin for all that we haven't seen him yet. Because they're just icky. :-P
I think most of those characters will take you up on that offer there. Poor guys :(
And I think several of your characters could use some hugs too right about now :S
These two have such a difference in personalities that it would make for problems in a relationship even if there wasn't any societal taboo involved. Sparron tends to keep things bottled up until he snaps, and he can be kind of distant sometimes because his emotions tend to scare and confuse him. On the other hand, there's outgoing, open Searle who's like a puppy, just wanting someone to scratch his belly :(
But yeah, Sparron probably should have dropped this bombshell earlier. Searle's probably going to go home and cry himself to sleep :(
I think I might cry...
I feel so bad for Searle, sometimes I just want to smack Sparron. Just a little.
Sorry chene :(
Sparron... could have probably handled that better. At least, he did know who he was dealing with :S
I'm with chene, I think Sparron needs a whack upside the head. This isn't just about him. It's the same as when they were in bed a few posts back, he's thinking only of himself and not of Searle's feelings. I can understand that, I really can; he's young and scared not only of what he's feeling but of what will happen if they're discovered.
When he was hurting so bad, Searle was there for him, could see what he was going through, knew what he needed; but now that the shoe is on the other foot he can't see that Searle needs him to be as understanding. Perhaps some time apart will do them good, perhaps he'll understand what he just put Searle through when Searle isn't available.
He probably could use a quick smack. His feelings are understandable, but they're in this together, and you're right--Searle was there for him when he was the one who needed comfort.
Again, I think the difference in personalities comes into play here. Sparron is the rational one, and while someone as purely emotional as Searle kind of needs that to balance him out, he does tend to get so wound up in the rational, cautious side that he ends up acting cold and selfish. But you're right, maybe he'll realize just what he did while they're apart.
Ha! After reading Beth's comment, I just don't know which one of these two is right. I disagree with them both about how they're dealing with the situation.
But actually, now that I type that, it is STILL Sparron. It isn't because he's overly-cautious (his over-caution is just as bad as Searle's slight recklessness). It's because he is 100% emotionally unavailable. And the way he was just like, "My calendar doesn't open back up until New Year's. Maybe I can pencil you in then." makes me think that he consciously imagines this as just a sexual arrangement. They are friends with benefits. *shakes fist at Sparron for breaking Searle's golden little heart*
They're both going about this the wrong way, but probably Sparron moreso. I think the problem here is that while he obviously does have feelings for Searle, he doesn't want to have them; he gave in, he caved, and maybe thinking of it as a purely sexual thing makes it a little more excusable in his mind.
This hasn't come up in the story--though it probably should at some point, because it might be important to note--but in my mind, from what I know of these two, I would guess that when they have sex, nine times out of ten it's Sparron who's the, uh... pitcher. Maybe he has a slight "it's not gay if you're on top" mentality going on there, and if that's the case, maybe he feels as though emotionally committing to the relationship would render that null and void.
But yeah, he did just break poor Searle's heart here--and it's not the first time he's done that, too :(
I really really love the relationship you have going on with these two. It's so complex. There is no easy way with either of them. Neither of them are all right or all wrong.
I tend to side with Sparron though if only because Searle really does seem to have naivete about how the world needs to work. And I'm kinda with SB, Searle is the one to push, and he pushes Sparron past all sorts of boundaries. If he hadn't pushed, Sparron wouldn't have to be telling him here that he needs space.
Plus it's interesting between these two that while Searle is the stronger one in many ways (with the pushing and the commitment) Sparron is more of the masculine role of being responsible and lacking that emotional connection (or at least trying to deny it).
Thanks Lunar :)
Searle is all about pushing boundaries here, but it hardly even occurs to him that he's doing it. His naivety is probably both his biggest charm and his biggest weakness; he's really thrown his heart into this relationship, and he just can't keep everything inside, and it doesn't occur to him that he has to, the poor boy :(
And Sparron... well, he's pretty much being cautious for two people here, so he gets sympathy there too. It's a tough situation for both of them :(
They are two very different people, though, with different strengths and weaknesses. In fact, there's not much overlap in their personalities; they're very yin and yang, these two.
I understand Sparron's need to put things on hold while the marriage is new but the way he handled it was very unsympathetic. He has to know how Searle feels - I mean seriously, he has to know. And he is still, I think denying what is really between them.
Searle, on the other hand, struggled to come to terms with his feelings and then threw caution to the wind. If there was some middle ground for these two they would both feel better.
I feel for them both.
He could have definitely handled it better :S
After all this time, he is still rather in denial about Searle, who--as you stated--has gone the other way and just thrown caution to the wind. And they're both getting hurt, and they'll both continue to get hurt if they don't find a middle ground, but unfortunately I don't see that happening any time soon :(
I think these two will continue chasing each other away for the rest of their lives, but never really stop loving each other. Hopefully that will get better as they get older? (I hope)
It's very push-and-pull, for sure :(
I'm definitely not done with these two. Hopefully they can get a few happy moments every once in a while, though.
I read my old comment (man i was horrible at commenting just a few years ago) and I still kind of agree. I understand that Sparron is trying very hard to use his head and be careful because it's needed but at the same time I wish he would just man up a bit and stop acting like a scared puppy.
Granted, and it's easy to forget this, they are children still. I don't care what time period we're in a sexual relationship, especially a secret and potentially dangerous one, is a bit much for someone that age to handle. Neither of them quite knows what to do but at least Searle knows what he wants and get's it and I respect the hell out of that.
Also sorry if I start spamming you with comments on these old chapters, I have such a different understanding of the situations and characters now and I can't help but want to voice them :)
No worries! I generally have no problem with comments on old posts, unless it's a post I'm ashamed of for some reason.
Sparron has decided that he has to think everything through and he has to be careful, and to an extent, that's valid. That said, if he's trying to give himself less reason be feel afraid, that's clearly not working.
Yeah, they're still just kids, really, at least at this point in time. Searle does get credit for knowing what he wants.
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